I'm realizing just how truly heartbreaking that life is. This world that we live in is hard, it's painful, and it stinks. Whether it's the heartbreak of a broken dream, or the heartbreak of a broken life, it doesn't change that it hurts. Most people think (and I was one of them) that the heartbreak of one person is more or less heartbreaking than another based on the severity of the situation, and in some aspects I guess that is true, but I am beginning to think that heart break is heart break. I see some of the most heartbreaking of situations every day. A child who is so neglected that she resorts to cutting herself and contemplates suicide, the prostitute with a limp so severe who talks to herself because she is so alone in this world, the drug addict who can't face the world without pharmaceutical help, the refugee doctor and family who has had to flee everything and everyone they knew and now can't even get a job as a janitor to support his family, and these are just 4 stories out of so many. And yes they are hard, heartbreaking stories. It is difficult to live in and among these stories, and I do, these people that I have mentioned are my neighbors. All but one of them live in my building. I see these faces on a daily basis and am reminded of their heartbreak, but I am also reminded of my own. Does being around these people make me hurt any less about broken friendships that i have in my own life, or the fact that I long to get married but am still single? Does it make me not cry myself to sleep sometimes? No it doesn't. My heartbreak isn't any less real just because the circumstances aren't life threatening. The tears I shed in grief over a lost friend are still tears of grief. We each face our own heartbreak, because that is life. We live in this sinful fallen world, and even those of us that are in relationship with Father God still face heartbreak.
I used to beat myself up (anyone who knows me is probably not surprised by this admission! :)). I thought that because I'm not living in one of the aforementioned scenarios that I shouldn't feel grief, that I should be able to just look at my circumstances and compare them to others and that should make me feel better. But we lie to ourselves when we do this. Grief is different for everyone. Some people wouldn't grieve a broken friendship, they would simply shrug it off and move on, I've seen it happen. Does that mean that I'm not allowed to grieve, that my feelings are less valid?
Something else I have learned though, is to smile through my heartbreak. Not a fake smile meant to hide or mask my pain, but a smile because I know that I have someOne bigger than the circumstances I face on my side. I remember one night, I went to one of our ladies' nights at the mission, and I was miserable. I had had a horrible week, I was fighting with someone very dear to me, and I couldn't figure out which way was up. But one of the ladies said to me, "you are always smiling, I wish I could be that way" And I said to her, "it's all God. Because right now I want to be home curled up in my bed pretending like the world doesn't exist." Every part of what I said to her was true. I have nothing in me, I am a broken hearted, struggling child of God who has to allow her Father to pick her up, dust her off, and heal her hurts. We each have our own hurts, and sometimes the intensity of those hurts changes, but the thing that we need to remember is that God never leaves us nor forsakes us, and that He loves us.
Many people say the things I do with the mission are great, and I enjoy them, but ultimately, they are nothing. They are things I do in order to show my Father that I love Him, and hopefully in some small incomparable way to let the Father's love show through me. My goal in this life is to allow myself to be as God created me to be, because as a friend of mine continues to remind me, I am awesome because God created me. As each one of us realize this truth, God can work through us in bigger ways than we ever could have dreamed!
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Jersey Girl??
So if I heard it once I heard it a hundred times... "You are moving to Jersey?" Or "you ONLY have to stay 18 months"... But I packed up. Actually I packed up and moved in 3 weeks without having any clue where I was going to live when I got up to New Jersey. My friends and me drove up in a Uhaul, and checked into our hotel. My father spent all day calling places and I had just about given up. Then one last time I jumped on Craig's list, and there it was. A perfect place. It was a two bedroom, but it was right in my price range. I called the land lord and set up a meet, and a half hour later we met at the apartment and I fell in love. It was everything I ever wanted in a city apartment. There was some back and forth, and it didn't look like I was going to get it because of some paperwork, but it came through. So the next day, we were working on moving my things into my new place, and it was going very slowly. I was desperate... and then 3 men walked by and asked if I needed help. DISCLAIMER: if you move to New Jersey, DON'T allow random guys to help you move in. But in this case, God protected me AND sent me helpers when I didn't have any other options. They got all my stuff moved in and furniture put together in about an hour. I gave them each some money, and they left. What ended up happening was that I had made my first 3 friends in Jersey... Now yes they were felons living in the half way house down the street, but I knew they had my back, and that's still true 14 months later.
Next step in the awesomeness that is God, my pastor's wife from Virginia, had posted on Facebook that I needed a church home, and through the connections that they have, I was contacted by someone, who gave me the name of a church and a pastor. So the day after I moved in to my new place, I walked the half mile to this church. Streetlight Mission was not at all what I expected, and as I'm walking up to the building (very uncertainly I might add) and there stood this man. He comes up to me and says "are you looking for the church?" "Yes, I think so... I'm looking for Karen" "Yeah that's my wife!" He brings me into the church and introduces me to her. She brought me into the mission and gave me a piece of paper to write down my contact information. She walked away, and another lady walks up and asked me if I was finished and if I wanted to get started. I was very confused at this point but I said sure and followed her to another room. Patty thought I was a volunteer at the mission, so she put me to work. I realized very quickly that this wasn't church as I knew church. We laugh now at the mistake, but without that mistake I know my life wouldn't be what it is...
I so fell in love with the mission in that first Sunday that I couldn't not go back. I began to spend more and more time at the mission. The mission has become such a huge part of my life... For the first time in my life I feel alive! I feel like the purpose placed in me by God is being fulfilled. Even my friends back home in Virginia comment on the difference in me. People say they can see the difference on my face, and hear it in my voice. I am getting to spend my time with the most broken in our society, the ones that most people would rather forget, and I see their stories. I see their joys, their sorrows, and their struggles. I have even picked up a nickname from some of the ladies at our ladies nights, "smiley". This isn't just something that happens. Just like with any group, you get a nickname when they feel that you are a part of the group, when you have connected with them on some level.
A few weeks back, I went home for my grandfather's funeral. It was good to go home and see my family, because I miss them bunches, but I couldn't wait to get back HOME to Jersey. That shocks a lot of people, and in some ways it shocked me when I realized it. But as I thought about it, this is where my heart is, this is where my life is, at least for now. I believe Elizabeth is just a season in my life, but for now this is home. Yes, Virginia will always be in part home, because it's where I'm from, and it's where my family is, but I don't think that I have one place that will always feel like home. My best friend growing up always said I had a gypsy spirit, and I agree, I am planted where God has me, but I also know that He may uproot me and plant me elsewhere, and I'm okay with that.
So to finish up and answer my own question... Yes (even if only temporarily) I AM A JERSEY GIRL! <3 p="">
Next step in the awesomeness that is God, my pastor's wife from Virginia, had posted on Facebook that I needed a church home, and through the connections that they have, I was contacted by someone, who gave me the name of a church and a pastor. So the day after I moved in to my new place, I walked the half mile to this church. Streetlight Mission was not at all what I expected, and as I'm walking up to the building (very uncertainly I might add) and there stood this man. He comes up to me and says "are you looking for the church?" "Yes, I think so... I'm looking for Karen" "Yeah that's my wife!" He brings me into the church and introduces me to her. She brought me into the mission and gave me a piece of paper to write down my contact information. She walked away, and another lady walks up and asked me if I was finished and if I wanted to get started. I was very confused at this point but I said sure and followed her to another room. Patty thought I was a volunteer at the mission, so she put me to work. I realized very quickly that this wasn't church as I knew church. We laugh now at the mistake, but without that mistake I know my life wouldn't be what it is...
I so fell in love with the mission in that first Sunday that I couldn't not go back. I began to spend more and more time at the mission. The mission has become such a huge part of my life... For the first time in my life I feel alive! I feel like the purpose placed in me by God is being fulfilled. Even my friends back home in Virginia comment on the difference in me. People say they can see the difference on my face, and hear it in my voice. I am getting to spend my time with the most broken in our society, the ones that most people would rather forget, and I see their stories. I see their joys, their sorrows, and their struggles. I have even picked up a nickname from some of the ladies at our ladies nights, "smiley". This isn't just something that happens. Just like with any group, you get a nickname when they feel that you are a part of the group, when you have connected with them on some level.
A few weeks back, I went home for my grandfather's funeral. It was good to go home and see my family, because I miss them bunches, but I couldn't wait to get back HOME to Jersey. That shocks a lot of people, and in some ways it shocked me when I realized it. But as I thought about it, this is where my heart is, this is where my life is, at least for now. I believe Elizabeth is just a season in my life, but for now this is home. Yes, Virginia will always be in part home, because it's where I'm from, and it's where my family is, but I don't think that I have one place that will always feel like home. My best friend growing up always said I had a gypsy spirit, and I agree, I am planted where God has me, but I also know that He may uproot me and plant me elsewhere, and I'm okay with that.
So to finish up and answer my own question... Yes (even if only temporarily) I AM A JERSEY GIRL! <3 p="">
God is God is God is God
I was tempted to start a brand new blog because I am a brand new person, but then I thought about it and I realized that even though I am a brand new person, I am still me, and this blog name still applies to my life. Actually it applies more now than it ever has in the past. Because of the urging of a great friend of mine, I am going to be sharing my journey through some of the most amazing experiences since God has led me to the mission field in the most unlikeliest places, Elizabeth, New Jersey. Before I start that, let me tell you a little bit about me, and this post may be a little bit long, but if you stick with it, I pray God will speak through me.
I grew up in a great family. We had issues sure, but it was a great family! I got to be involved in pretty much anything I wanted. I can remember Tuesday nights at the skating rink, playing football in the back yard with my dad and brother, grilling out, going to the park to play softball, and the list could go on and on. There was one thing that marred the greatness that was my life. I didn't trust anyone, and then God helped me learn to trust Him which is a story I can tell on a different day. This step began a series of events in my life that lead to me learning in small ways to trust people. But even at that, I didn't trust easily, and I worked hard to keep people out of my heart. I was more than happy to step in and be there for anyone, but I didn't want anyone to be there for me. I was independent, self-sufficient, and quite frankly I was happy that way. I couldn't get hurt.
I lived that way for years. I was 12 when I learned to trust God and it wasn't until I was 26 that God took me to the next step. I had reached an apex in my relationship with God, and no matter what I did, I couldn't grow closer to God. I would hit it, fall back, and grow again only to reach that same level and fall back again. So I prayed and asked God to help me reach new levels with Him. Let me throw a little disclaimer in here. IF YOU PRAY THIS IT WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU EVER DO! IT ALSO WILL BE THE BEST! God answers the prayers of people who are honestly seeking Him, and in order to reach new levels, God has to get the things out of your life that hinder growth.
For me these things started with my trust issues. So using a roommate and dear friend God lead me to start counseling. I never thought it would do anything for me, and now I'm more than ever convinced that every person should be in either counseling or mentoring or some such thing. We can not fix ourselves no matter how hard we try. We need each other, if you don't believe me, even God says so "as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another" Proverbs 27:17. Sometimes it is because of other people that our flaws come out of hiding, but back to me and my journey. Through my conversations in counseling God began to show me how that my carefully constructed walls were not only keeping other people out, they were keeping Him out. So He lead me to break down those walls around my heart that I had literally spent my entire life building up. I will tell you, this was the most painful experience of my life. 26 years of pain held inside of my heart and never dealt with came flowing out. But God is faithful. I will interject again. No matter where you are, God is faithful, loving, and He is right there with you! No matter what you are going through He is holding you.
I am going to change directions a little bit, but I will tie it together. I had this picture of God and my relationship and it was incorrect in every way possible. I believed that God had saved me only because He promised He would in His Word. I was the unwanted child that had to earn any scrap of love that I received. I knew that He saved me but I couldn't believe that He loved me. I became the perpetually happy, helpful, one who never said no to anything that I was asked to do. It became an obsession. I couldn't be anything but perfect, and could never do anything that someone might be displeased with, because if I wasn't perfect then people would walk away from me. It was another reason to put walls up because if people knew that I wasn't perfect they wouldn't want anything to do with me. My trust issues fed my love issues, and my love issues fed my trust issues. It was a hideous cycle that worsened as time passed. And both issues had to be dealt with before I could really be used as God wanted to use me. God let me know in no uncertain terms that the things He had for me and the things I wanted could never be realized until I began to trust Him and feel His love.
As God began to open my old wounds and heal them, I began to open up to others in my life. I would not have survived this time in my life had it not been for the people that God placed in my life to support me. Looking back, I can't imagine being my friend through this process. I was in so much pain that I didn't even want to be around people. I spent the most part of three months either in bed, locked in my room, or watching netflix and working on puzzles. However, there were people that loved me regardless. They climbed in bed with me, broke into my room, watched netflix and worked on puzzles with me, and sometimes even forced me to get out of the apartment and do something. There were unfortunately some people in my life that I hurt irreparably, and I hate that, but I realize that in order for me to become who I needed to be, certain relationships had to either change significantly or end. This is still hard for me to share, especially because one specific friendship was one I thought would last forever. However, the changes in me were too much for that friendship to withstand. God is faithful regardless, and I believe that He is molding both of us into better women even if that is not as friends as long as we stick with Him.
I know it seems like I'm all over the place and don't seem to be cohesive, but I promise I am coming to a close. After the first initial rush of pain and emotional infection was taken care of, I began to see how that God was healing me. He was cleaning out all the things that were keeping me apart from Him, all the things that were keeping me chained and bound to my past, to my sin, and to my isolation. He then began to speak love into my heart. It wasn't easy for me to receive, and it was mostly rejected, but there were little beams of His love peering through the clouds of my heart. Then 2 years later, after I had moved to Jersey, God placed a woman in my life who had been through things similar to mine, and as she talked about her story, I heard words similar to my own. In someways I wondered if she was me from the future(not really). She began to pour into me and show me things about myself that I never knew and never believed possible. We sat down in her office one snowy Sunday evening and she prayed with me. She asked God to reveal the root of my inability to receive love into my heart. God being who He is was more than happy to oblige her request and He took me to the moment where the lie that I was unlovable first began to grow. He then spoke His Truth over that moment, and helped me to see my worth. I could give you all the platitudes about our worth, and they would be true, but you have probably heard them a thousand times, so I won't waste the space. Plus, if you feel as I did, you don't believe they apply to you anyways, so why bother? I will just say, that night I knew, and every moment since that evening, I have never doubted that God loved me.
I am writing this tonight not because I want to rehash and remember these things, and not because I want to share. Trust me, neither of these things are true, and if you know me at all, I actually hate talking about my past and my life and struggles. I share these things with you, because I know that I am not the only one with these doubts and feelings. I am not the only 20 something year old who feels unloved, unworthy, and like she has to earn everyone's love. I want to let you know that there is freedom from those thoughts. There is freedom from the fears that you will be forever alone. God wishes that everyone be free from the law of sin and death. In order for that to happen, there will be a cost. It will cost you the chains that have become comfortable, it will cost you the patterns that have become familiar, and it will cost you your independence. But as a survivor of this transformation, it is well worth the cost!!! If you are in any way feeling as I felt, or just have questions feel free to reach out to me at crucibleandcrown@gmail.com
I hope and pray that at least some part of my story touched your heart and at least made you think about your own circumstances. Stay tuned as I begin to share my journey as a small town country girl from Virginia who unintentionally (on my part) became a missionary living in the heart of the city of Elizabeth, New Jersey.
I grew up in a great family. We had issues sure, but it was a great family! I got to be involved in pretty much anything I wanted. I can remember Tuesday nights at the skating rink, playing football in the back yard with my dad and brother, grilling out, going to the park to play softball, and the list could go on and on. There was one thing that marred the greatness that was my life. I didn't trust anyone, and then God helped me learn to trust Him which is a story I can tell on a different day. This step began a series of events in my life that lead to me learning in small ways to trust people. But even at that, I didn't trust easily, and I worked hard to keep people out of my heart. I was more than happy to step in and be there for anyone, but I didn't want anyone to be there for me. I was independent, self-sufficient, and quite frankly I was happy that way. I couldn't get hurt.
I lived that way for years. I was 12 when I learned to trust God and it wasn't until I was 26 that God took me to the next step. I had reached an apex in my relationship with God, and no matter what I did, I couldn't grow closer to God. I would hit it, fall back, and grow again only to reach that same level and fall back again. So I prayed and asked God to help me reach new levels with Him. Let me throw a little disclaimer in here. IF YOU PRAY THIS IT WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU EVER DO! IT ALSO WILL BE THE BEST! God answers the prayers of people who are honestly seeking Him, and in order to reach new levels, God has to get the things out of your life that hinder growth.
For me these things started with my trust issues. So using a roommate and dear friend God lead me to start counseling. I never thought it would do anything for me, and now I'm more than ever convinced that every person should be in either counseling or mentoring or some such thing. We can not fix ourselves no matter how hard we try. We need each other, if you don't believe me, even God says so "as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another" Proverbs 27:17. Sometimes it is because of other people that our flaws come out of hiding, but back to me and my journey. Through my conversations in counseling God began to show me how that my carefully constructed walls were not only keeping other people out, they were keeping Him out. So He lead me to break down those walls around my heart that I had literally spent my entire life building up. I will tell you, this was the most painful experience of my life. 26 years of pain held inside of my heart and never dealt with came flowing out. But God is faithful. I will interject again. No matter where you are, God is faithful, loving, and He is right there with you! No matter what you are going through He is holding you.
I am going to change directions a little bit, but I will tie it together. I had this picture of God and my relationship and it was incorrect in every way possible. I believed that God had saved me only because He promised He would in His Word. I was the unwanted child that had to earn any scrap of love that I received. I knew that He saved me but I couldn't believe that He loved me. I became the perpetually happy, helpful, one who never said no to anything that I was asked to do. It became an obsession. I couldn't be anything but perfect, and could never do anything that someone might be displeased with, because if I wasn't perfect then people would walk away from me. It was another reason to put walls up because if people knew that I wasn't perfect they wouldn't want anything to do with me. My trust issues fed my love issues, and my love issues fed my trust issues. It was a hideous cycle that worsened as time passed. And both issues had to be dealt with before I could really be used as God wanted to use me. God let me know in no uncertain terms that the things He had for me and the things I wanted could never be realized until I began to trust Him and feel His love.
As God began to open my old wounds and heal them, I began to open up to others in my life. I would not have survived this time in my life had it not been for the people that God placed in my life to support me. Looking back, I can't imagine being my friend through this process. I was in so much pain that I didn't even want to be around people. I spent the most part of three months either in bed, locked in my room, or watching netflix and working on puzzles. However, there were people that loved me regardless. They climbed in bed with me, broke into my room, watched netflix and worked on puzzles with me, and sometimes even forced me to get out of the apartment and do something. There were unfortunately some people in my life that I hurt irreparably, and I hate that, but I realize that in order for me to become who I needed to be, certain relationships had to either change significantly or end. This is still hard for me to share, especially because one specific friendship was one I thought would last forever. However, the changes in me were too much for that friendship to withstand. God is faithful regardless, and I believe that He is molding both of us into better women even if that is not as friends as long as we stick with Him.
I know it seems like I'm all over the place and don't seem to be cohesive, but I promise I am coming to a close. After the first initial rush of pain and emotional infection was taken care of, I began to see how that God was healing me. He was cleaning out all the things that were keeping me apart from Him, all the things that were keeping me chained and bound to my past, to my sin, and to my isolation. He then began to speak love into my heart. It wasn't easy for me to receive, and it was mostly rejected, but there were little beams of His love peering through the clouds of my heart. Then 2 years later, after I had moved to Jersey, God placed a woman in my life who had been through things similar to mine, and as she talked about her story, I heard words similar to my own. In someways I wondered if she was me from the future(not really). She began to pour into me and show me things about myself that I never knew and never believed possible. We sat down in her office one snowy Sunday evening and she prayed with me. She asked God to reveal the root of my inability to receive love into my heart. God being who He is was more than happy to oblige her request and He took me to the moment where the lie that I was unlovable first began to grow. He then spoke His Truth over that moment, and helped me to see my worth. I could give you all the platitudes about our worth, and they would be true, but you have probably heard them a thousand times, so I won't waste the space. Plus, if you feel as I did, you don't believe they apply to you anyways, so why bother? I will just say, that night I knew, and every moment since that evening, I have never doubted that God loved me.
I am writing this tonight not because I want to rehash and remember these things, and not because I want to share. Trust me, neither of these things are true, and if you know me at all, I actually hate talking about my past and my life and struggles. I share these things with you, because I know that I am not the only one with these doubts and feelings. I am not the only 20 something year old who feels unloved, unworthy, and like she has to earn everyone's love. I want to let you know that there is freedom from those thoughts. There is freedom from the fears that you will be forever alone. God wishes that everyone be free from the law of sin and death. In order for that to happen, there will be a cost. It will cost you the chains that have become comfortable, it will cost you the patterns that have become familiar, and it will cost you your independence. But as a survivor of this transformation, it is well worth the cost!!! If you are in any way feeling as I felt, or just have questions feel free to reach out to me at crucibleandcrown@gmail.com
I hope and pray that at least some part of my story touched your heart and at least made you think about your own circumstances. Stay tuned as I begin to share my journey as a small town country girl from Virginia who unintentionally (on my part) became a missionary living in the heart of the city of Elizabeth, New Jersey.
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