Christmastime in the city

My morning started out with a horrible migraine.  I could barely see straight, every noise echoed, the light overwhelmed my senses.  I was supposed to be coordinating the volunteers at the StreetLight Mission Christmas party, not to mention that I was also a member of the StreetLight Women's choir and planning to sing with them to help spread the message of Christ to our guests.  Honestly, I was pretty devastated.  The Christmas party is so much fun, but more than the fun, is the chance to see all of our guests together in one place at one time.

To give some insight into the day, the mission invites 600 people to a four course sit down dinner. The servers are in dress pants and shirts, and we welcome them with a standing ovation.  For some of our guests the only Christmas they will have is that one day. To see the sparkle on all of their faces as they walk in and are greeted and see the beauty of the ballroom is overwhelming.  We also have volunteers there who host the tables as if the guests were in their home.  They make sure every guest has everything they need.  On stage there is entertainment all centered around our Savior.  There's a photo booth where each guest gets a chance to take their photos with whomever they choose.  At the end of the night the children all get a Christmas present.  It's an incredible day! 

My heart was broken because I couldn't see how I could be a part of this day.  But to make a long story short God healed me.  And I don't think I have ever been more glad to be healed from a migraine.  It was the first and smallest in a line of miraculous events of the day!  The next one was that the maintenance lady who worked at the ballroom began a conversation with one of the table hosts and surrendered her life to Christ.  There are some things that never get less powerful, and Christ saving a soul is one of those things.  

I could tell stories about Sunday all night, and still not capture the power that encapsulated the afternoon.  The Spirit of God was all over the event.  Women in abusive relationships standing up for themselves because of a little kindness from one of our volunteers, women having the courage to stand up in front of 500 people and sing into a microphone, and a young woman from a small town who somehow managed to help coordinate 200 people and help put on an event for the people she's always wanted to help.  

I have been sitting here staring at the computer screen for 10 minutes trying to fully express how special this day was to me.  I am not sure that there are words.  My heart and thoughts are so full.  If you haven't known me for years,then maybe you can't fully understand how much of a dream come true the chance to work with StreetLight is for me, and compiling all of the guests into one place was like seeing it all in front of me.  To give you a little bit of a picture of the evening I am going to attach a picture for you!  Merry Christmas to you all!

The sign at the front of the party.

A snapshot of some of the guests.

Photo booth photos.

It's almost December??

The last few weeks have been insane, between the mission, work, and travelling, it's slightly overwhelming.  I had started a blog 2 weeks ago, and had gotten 3 sentences written, and then I got distracted and completely forgot about it and it sat untouched on my computer, until today.  So if you will bear with me, I will write one long post and catch you up!

We as a mission partner with a podiatrist every year and they come in and provide our guests with a full foot exam, toenail trim, and then we give them a few pairs of socks and a pair of brand new shoes.  We spend 2 hours as a team helping our guests with their needs.  It's a great way to kick off the colder season.  Some of the people that come in have shoes that are worn through that they were given last year.  I've even seen some people with 2 or 3 pairs of socks on to protect their feet from the weather because their shoes have stopped doing their job.  My heart broke when I saw the way some of their feet looked, but my heart was warmed to see the people that came to help others.  As I was ushering in the guests to the chairs where they had their exams, I realized just how many of them I knew.  And not just knew their names, but knew their lives.  I came home overwhelmed with the enormity of what God has entrusted to me.  To be involved with these people and get to make a difference in their lives impacts me more than I ever thought possible.

Flash forward a week, and the next big event happened.  We also partner with a church, and a grocery store, and set up our truck and the church comes over after service and purchases the needed groceries for a Thanksgiving meal for a family in need.  We can't provide for all the needy families for Thanksgiving without their help.  

 

They have coordinated with the grocery store to order 300 complete meals. The meals included turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, mac and cheese, apples, oranges, corn, green beans, kidney beans, rice, cranberry jelly, cake mix, icing, and pumpkin pie. 

                  

Sorry for all the pictures, but I couldn't use words to explain the enormity of the amount of food that we received.  The entire room was packed with food as we brought it back to the mission and sorted it by food type.  There was so much work, but it was so much fun.  The laughter and friendship and teamwork that was exhibited was beautiful.   It's a perfect example of the way the body of Christ should function.  Coming together to serve.  The love of Christ displayed in action.  I hope as the days draw darker that we as the body of Christ can more often come together to love and worship through service.

As always, if you need prayer or have questions, or just need someone to talk to to: crucibleandcrown@gmail.com

You can call me the Honorary Latina

For anyone that has known me very long at all, you know that I LOVE everything Latin.  The culture, the food, the language, the music, all of it.  Since I've moved to New Jersey, I have been exposed to so much of all of it.  There are times that I walk home from work and almost feel like I'm back in Colombia.  The restaurants, the music blasting out of the restaurants, even the Italian Ice street vendor reminds me of Colombia.

Not long after I moved up to Jersey, God led me to the English ministry of a Hispanic church.  I went to this church and immediately felt at home.  These people took me in and made me a part of their church family.  Within my first month, I was talking to Pastor Bernie and he called me an "honorary Latina".  I felt so honored!!  

So now we will flash forward a few months, and God laid on the hearts of my pastors to open StreetLight Church.  From the moment I heard about it, I knew that God was asking me to go there. It was very difficult for me to do, and for the first time in my adult life I was tempted to be overtly disobedient to God.  I'm not saying that I'm 100 percent obedient because I'm human, but generally when I know very clearly that God is asking something of me, I follow where He leads.  But this time, I was very tempted to do what I wanted.  These people had become so dear to me and I couldn't imagine my life without them in it.  

But after much prayer, and fighting with God, I decided to do what I knew He wanted.  I sat down and had a very difficult conversation first with one of the leaders, and then with Pastor Bernie.  Both of them were so understanding but more than that they encouraged me to be obedient. They encouraged me to follow what God had laid on my heart.  They prayed for me and sent me out into the fullness of what God had for me. I walked out of church that night uncertain if I would see them again.  Not because of a lack of desire but because life is so busy.  And for a few months I didn't, with the exception of a very fun Thanksgiving dinner with the pastor and family.  

But God in His incredible wisdom and mercy and blessing brought me back to them.  Now I get to see them pretty much on a weekly basis.  And in some ways I feel like I'm more a part of them now than I was before.  These people have become my "Hispanic family".  And it has been better than I could've imagined.  I have found a family in them, and I know that they pray for me, and they love me, and encourage me.  I could list them all individually and tell each of the ways that they bless me but then I would be here all night.  But I have to give much credit to Hubie and Ivette and Pastor Bernie and Lorraine and their children.  My first Sunday, Ivette chased me down outside the church just to greet me.  And when she brought me back inside and introduced me to her husband who now lovingly calls me "L-dog".  The ways that God has used them in my life are innumerable.  And Pastor Bernie's family.  Oh my, they are in so many ways my Aaron and Hur.  God seems to make it happen that when I am feeling weak and need a little extra support they are there.  When my arms are falling and I feel like the battle is being lost, they swoop in and raise my arms back up and remind me of the awesomeness that is our God.  The role they play is different than any of the other people in my life, but it is one that is much needed.

All of this is to say that God gave me the best of both worlds! That's how God works, if we will let go of what we want God gives us way better than we could have hoped!! Tonight at a young adult gathering Pastor Bernie spoke about staying the course, and keeping God at the center of all we do, and being willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of God's call and will for our lives.  It was so encouraging, and something that we all need to remember daily.  If other things become more important than God, than we are placing idols in God's role!  My prayer is that each of you will remember this, and that God will help you keep him in the number one spot in your heart!  

As always here is my contact information: crucibleandcrown@gmail.com.  Love you all!! <3 nbsp="">

Coats, Coats, and Coats

For obvious reasons the fall/winter are the busiest times of the year for the mission, and November is an especially busy month.  We kicked off the month of November in FANTASTIC fashion.  Last Sunday we spent the day sorting coats from our coat drive.  There's something awesome about getting together with God's people to do something to help others.  We spent somewhere around 2 hours digging through donated coats to separate them by men, women, and children's styles, and then to further separate them into sizes.  It was incredible to see the assortment of coats that people had donated just to help those in need. There was a lot of work, but the good thing was that we had lots of hands.  And as the old adage says many hands make the work light.  And it was.  Not only did it not seem like much work, but we had a great time doing it.  I am going to insert a picture here showing just how much fun we had, but if you know Paul (my pastor) please don't tell him that I posted this. Although in my defense he just said he'd better not see it on Instagram.

With all of the unrest in the middle east, there have been an influx of refugees, and we have been working with the IRC (International Rescue Committee) to provide them with services.  This has been an interesting and difficult challenge because of the language barrier, and as the one in charge of the food pantry, I have seen many of those issues firsthand.  A lack of understanding causes much confusion.  But I see only on a small scale the enormity of these issues.  The IRC requested some help with coats for some of these refugees.  Many of these refugees have never seen winter or snow, and have no real concept of cold, so we agreed.  When they sent us the list there were 175 names on that list.  We opened the first day simply for those with the IRC.  They sent their interpreters, and at the end of the day we had given out 162 coats.  Unfortunately due to the constraints of my job, I wasn't able to be there for the coat give away days, but the stories I heard from the people that were able to be there make my  heart glad.  The workers of the Mission had to explain to the people that they needed heavy coats and that the light jackets they were picking up would not be sufficient to keep them warm.  But knowing that we were able to give coats to people that had none, and that have no concept even of their need for one, and that I had a part in that even if it was ever so small, makes my heart glad.  

I don't know if any of the people that came in to receive coats will turn from their faith, which I'm guessing is primarily Muslim, but that's not our concern.  Our job is to be obedient to help those that God has sent us, and at least this day, the ones that He sent us were these refugees from the Middle East.  

In the 3 days we gave out coats, the total amount given out was over 360 coats!  That's 360 people that got a way to be warm that didn't have it before! 

Please be in prayer as we enter this season where we fight to reach so many, and the need is great. Also be in prayer for the leaders of the Mission as they strive to be obedient in what God calls them to, and wise to know what He is asking!  

As always reach out to me if you need prayer or are interested in more information: crucibleandcrown@gmail.com

Is it really October??

It's been a while since I posted last.  There has been so much going on.  First of which, I turned 30! AHHHHHHHH that's a little crazy to think about!

We are coming into our busiest season as far as the mission goes.  Just a basic run down of the events that we have coming up: Coat days, foot exam/shoe giveaway, Thanksgiving baskets, Christmas gifts, Christmas party, and every other week through winter we house the homeless in a joint operation called Operation Warm Heart, not to mention continuing to provide the basic life services that we provide year round.  On top of gearing up for all these things, my job has been insanely busy, just yesterday we moved locations from the fifth floor to the first.  I have until Tuesday to have it fully set and ready for business.  This has not been an easy task.  Also I got another job.  I am now running the food pantry at the mission.  It really isn't any additional time commitment, but the mental realization of the responsibility that now sits in my hands overwhelms me at times.  And for anyone that knows me, you realize that I am living my dream!  I am on paid staff at the mission!!!  This is probably one of the most incredible things that has ever happened to me!

In the midst of the chaos that has become my life, God has been teaching me amazing things!  The first is dependence on others.  I have this one friend that regularly gives me her car.  Very often it's so I can do things like grocery shopping, but sometimes it's just so that I can go for a drive or go visit other people.  It's been difficult to accept her generosity.  I grew up very independent, not needing or wanting other's help.  But over the last few years I have learned this is not how we were meant to live.  We were created for fellowship, first with God, then with others.  This doesn't make that transition easier for me, or I believe for anyone else!  The only thing that has helped make it a little easier is that another friend of mine said this to me: "you moved up here and sold your car in obedience to God, and so now God is blessing you by giving you access to a vehicle!"  I've realize that God is working in that way, not only to bless me, but to teach me how to lean on the people that He has placed in my life.  Also it reminds me a lot of my relationship with God.  I don't have anything to offer my friend for use of her car, but she gives it to me freely.  God does the same thing with us!

This isn't going to be a long post, because I'm mostly just catching everyone up on the workings of my life and the mission!  I will be posting in the near future to update you on the events that are coming!  I will ask for your prayers, first we need a percussionist at the church, and also we need funds to finish our building, with the new space, we would be able to expand a number of our programs or at least house them more comfortably!

Let me know if you need prayers!  Crucibleandcrown@gmail.com
Love you guys and God bless!!

We will remember...

9/11... a date, just like any other.  But now it no longer is just a date.  It now evokes intense emotion. We have all been affected by it, everything that we do has been changed because of September 11, 2001.  I remember that day.  I was a junior in high school, sitting in study hall.  We heard the announcement over the loud speaker that something was going on but it was very uncertain as to what exactly.  We turned on the news and were watching as the second plane hit the towers and we all realized it was more than just an accident.  Then we watched as the towers collapsed.  We were all shocked and dismayed, uncertain what to think and how to feel.  As the day went on, the shock continued to grow as the details came out.  We learned about the Pentagon, and then realized that some of us knew people that worked at the Pentagon and who hadn't been heard from.
We have all remembered where we were, and what we were doing and how we felt when reality sunk in about that day.  That's not really what I want to discuss.  Our reaction as a nation after September 11 was natural.  "We will rebuild, they will not break our spirit, we will come back stronger."  Unfortunately, this was not the reaction that we needed to have.  This event was designed to bring us as a nation to our knees before a benevolent and merciful but just Heavenly Father.  But our response was one of self sufficiency.  We stated over and over again by our actions that we don't need God, even while saying "God bless America".  We felt compelled to prove that we could overcome our enemy, without realizing that our sins were the only enemy we needed to overcome and we couldn't do that alone.
Today, as I was walking to work I passed by a memorial service(there are some pictures below).  It was a service to remember the people that lived in the city of Elizabeth that were killed in the attack.  The entire police force and fire department of the city were there, as well as different members of the city government.  I stayed for about 15 minutes, and it was very nice.  There were many words of remembrance, and there was even a 21 gun salute.  As someone spoke about the people that were lost, yet again there were words of we will be strong we will remember.  As he spoke tears began to stream down my face.  I wasn't the only one crying this morning, but I think my reasons were different.  I was crying not because of my loss, but because of the words that were spoken.
I understand that it's different up here, and that the people here in Elizabeth and others in this area have felt the loss of September 11th in a way that I could never imagine.  This doesn't change where we are headed as a nation.  We have been given opportunity after opportunity to change our ways, to turn back to the God this nation was founded on.  Many people like to teach false history and change the truth, but the truth remains the same, we were a nation founded by people who loved God and even though they may have had their issues, I believe they were men of God.  George Washington even stated in his inaugural address "Since we ought to be no less persuaded that the propitious smiles of Heaven, can never be expected on a nation that disregards the eternal rules of order and right, which Heaven itself has ordained".  Basically he said that we have to know that God's smile would not remain on a nation that turned from His laws and ways.  
We are that nation.  We have turned from God and his ways.  Back in the 60s we told our children it wasn't okay to pray in school, in the 70's we decided to start sacrificing our children on the altar of our convenience and way of life, and to limit the risk of being wordy, I will skip the subsequent decades and skip to a few months ago, when we as a nation decided that same sex marriage was acceptable.  The thing is, it's not just the world that had decided to turn from God's ways. The CHURCH, the body of Christ as decided to turn from His ways.  It seems like every day I am hearing of a new instance of a church leader or institution stating that God's Word is untrue, or at the very least that we don't have to live by it.  And this is the truly heartbreaking thing for me.  We can expect the world to live by their own rules, but we as the church should be living by the ways of the Lord. My heart breaks when I think of how far we have fallen from the Truth.  
But there is good news, because God's Word says "if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sins and heal their land."  God is saying that our whole nation doesn't need to change, but we as the body of Christ needs to turn back to Him, and God will handle the nation.  But the warning also is there, if we do not humble ourselves, we will be humbled.
This is my prayer this 14th year anniversary of September 11, 2001:  That God will move on His people's hearts.  That the people of God will rise up, kneel down, and turn back to the Truth.  We have for too long joined in with the world around us and lived our lives as if the Word of God didn't matter or didn't apply to our lives. 

As always feel free to contact me: crucibleandcrown@gmail.com

BBQ, Baptisms and Babysitting

Every now and then, something so incredible comes along and amazes me.  StreetLight Mission (and the people that are a part of it) has been one of those things for me. It's so easy to get caught up in what it/they/God are teaching me that I forget to look at the amazingly fun times that we have together.
A few weeks ago, we went to a house with a pool, and had a BBQ.  We as a church are a family.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Is it easy? No.  We are all humans and we all have our issues, and sometimes, maybe a lot of times, we are trying to work our issues out, and that means that we rub our rough edges against each other.  But regardless we are family and we had a lot of fun at this BBQ. Everyone brought food, which is ALWAYS a great thing, because we have a variety of amazing cooks at the church.
In the midst of the fun, the food, the swimming, the pastors did a teaching on baptism, and we had a number of people that gave their hearts to the Lord.  It was such a beautiful sight sitting on the side of the pool and watching people praying and asking Jesus to be the Lord and Savior of their life.  Then to follow up, there were somewhere between 10 and 15 people who were baptized.  I can't explain in words the feeling that over came me as I looked around at the people that have become family.  As God has showed me, we are a team.  We are meant to work together in this crazy life, in this crazy world, and in this crazy city to make a difference.  I have seen some of the same people that have come to the Mission for help get the help they need, and then turn around and go back out to the street to bring others in.
Probably one of the most amazing and fun things I get to be a part of is babysitting.  Last weekend, I took an 11 year old girl, who is the foster child of some dear friends of mine.  She and I went to the Jersey Shore.  It was my first time to the Jersey Shore, and both of our first times at Seaside Heights. We took some old tyme photos, played some games, rode some rides, well she rode some rides, I videoed, and to top the experience off, we had Italian ice and french fries for dinner.  They were probably the best french fries I've ever had.  We joked, we laughed, and we learned.
There are these moments when I realize just how much that God is using me.  And I don't say that in pride.  I am humbled at how that God has taken this broken, screwed up woman and placed me in the perfect place to touch people's lives.  And the great thing is I get to have fun doing it!  I believe God wants this for each of us.  Life is hard, life can be sad, but life is beautiful.  With all its ups and downs, its laughter and tears, its positives and negatives, it's beautiful.  I have been accused of being able to find beauty in anything, and I can't deny that to be true.
I will leave  you with this thought/question and I would love to hear your responses either here, on Facebook, or to my email crucibleandcrown@gmail.com:  How is God using you and what beauty can you find in your daily lives?

The Mission

Hey friends! I just got home from a crazy day which ended with "deditos de queso" which are these amazing Colombian treats... If you've never had them, try them if you can! I hope everyone is doing well this hot (at least in Jersey) August night.  I'm sure some of you have probably asked yourself "she said she's going to tell us about her work with the mission, so when?" Tonight is the night!!

StreetLight Mission is not much to look at. I wasn't even sure I was in the right place the first time I went there. StreetLight is in a converted garage, and one of our most used phrases is "technical difficulties".  But as 3700+ people(last year alone) can tell you, we do a lot out of the space God has given to us.  That's right, out of a little converted mechanic's garage the mission gave basic life services to over 3700 people.  But what is so much MORE important is that 3700+ people saw the love of God. They may not have fully recognized it because of their state of mind, but they saw the love of Jesus!

Some of you may not understand, because of where you are from, exactly what I mean by "basic life services'' so I willtry to explain. Basic life services means the things that we need to survive, and have some kind of function in society.  Food to eat, clothes to wear, and even some times a roof over our heads.  Those of us that have never had to do without these things, can not fully understand what it's like to truly be hungry, or to wear the same clothes for weeks on end without being able to wash them because you don't have another set, nor do you have access to a washer and dryer.  We can't understand what it's like to live outside in the rain, sun, heat, cold, and snow.  So what StreetLight tries to do is help with those things.  Once we can get these basic needs taken care of, then we can focus on their spiritual needs.

Every week at StreetLight, there is a clothes give away day, there is a food pantry, and during the winter, we partner with another organization to house homeless men for the night so that they don't freeze on the streets.  One of the things I love most about how StreetLight functions, is that at every level, they are focused on changing lives.  One new initiative that is in place for the upcoming months is that all people who get food from our pantry are going to be required to meet with a life coach.  This life coach's job is to figure out why they need food, then help them with that need.  The point is not a hand out, but a person can't change their life if they are worried about feeding their children.

After we have met the most basic of needs, then we build on the relationship that we have started with them and figure out what other ways we can help them.  If they need IDs, we can help them get one.  If they need jobs, we will do what we can and use our resources to help them find one.  If they are drug addicts and want to get clean, we can help them get into a rehab program.  If they are in recovery from addiction, we have a weekly recovery meeting.  There are so many things that get done during the day while I'm at work that I don't know about, but I do know that every time I go to the mission on my lunch break, there is a bustle of activity and people trying to help those that come through the door.  On top of the things that are done during the day, there is a monthly girl's night, and a monthly ladies night.  Also we do a children's VBS in the summer, send children to summer camp, a Christmas party for our guests, Thanksgiving food drive, and so many more things!

All of these actions are in place so that we can help people.  We cannot force anyone to change their life, and there are some people that walk through our doors, get the hand outs, and walk out without ever desiring to change.  When I get tired because it seems like there are more of the people interested in a hand out than in changing, God brings to my mind the parable of the sower.  He threw the seed out but where it landed wasn't his doing.  His job was not to figure out exactly where the good soil was and plant there, his job was to throw the seed and let it land where it may.  I believe that we at the mission are doing the same thing.  We are called to be obedient and to throw the seeds of God's love out to Elizabeth New Jersey and let it grow where it may.  I think all of us at the mission sometimes wished for a bigger harvest for all the work we put in (I don't get to work there as much as I like, because of my job).  But I know for me, and I think for others as well all the hard work is worth it when we see the young mother who just got out of an abusive relationship, who is addicted to a myriad of drugs sobbing and honestly talking about rehab for the first time in her life.  Or to see the tough street wise woman who rarely smiles begin to come to ladies nights and call you smiley and actually being to reciprocate your smiles!  And really I could continue with these stories, but for the sake of your time I won't!

The last piece of the puzzle of changing lives is the one where I am most hands on, StreetLight Church.  About a year ago, the pastors felt that God was leading the church in a different direction, so they closed down the service.  They took a few months to seek God for exactly how He wanted things to look and they started anew.  Our church is small, but it is growing.  I'm not necessarily talking about numbers, even though there has been some of that, I'm talking about personal and spiritual growth.  I don't think there is one person in our church who is the same as when they walked in the first time.  I know I'm not!!  God is speaking and moving.  He is taking people who are earnestly seeking Him and He's teaching us.  When I hear the questions that people ask, I am challenged.  We are all growing together, and that's what we are called to in Scripture.

I know that I just kind of hit the high points, and there are many things that I missed, because I didn't want to take up 100 pages with the services we provide and stories of the people that have become a part of my heart!  If you have any questions about the mission or are interested in getting involved, reach out to me crucibleandcrown@gmail.com.

If my people...

There is something that's been on my heart as of late, and I am hesitant to even post it because it's kind of harsh, but I believe this morning the Lord has placed it on my heart specifically so I could write it.  I know many people are coming out on Facebook and other social media and are seemingly disgusted by the ways of our country.  We as a nation have legalized same sex marriage, and we as a nation are supporting a company that sells aborted babies' parts.  The outcry in Christian circles has been tremendous.
My question is this: what are we as believers in Christ doing to change our nation?  Are we speaking out against these evils?  Are we supporting pregnancy centers and hope centers that give mothers options?  Are we contacting our Congressmen to tell them what we think?  Are we giving a public outcry on Facebook, Twitter, etc?  Are we merely grumbling but taking no action?  What are we doing to change our nation?  If you are someone who is doing these things, GREAT!!!  None of these actions are incorrect (except the grumbling one I guess).  It is important to speak out, to others, to Congressmen, to publicly share your disapproval, it is important to give expectant mothers another option.  But are these things alone going to change our nation?
I believe that a time of great shaking is coming to this nation.  The warning signs have been showing for years, but we have chosen to ignore them.  Instead of allowing these warnings to drive us into the arms of God, we as a nation have shaken our fist and said WE WILL FIX IT!  WE will do what needs done to change our nation.  WE will fight against those that are attacking us.  As a nation, we have more rapidly turned from the things of God than even seems possible.  These warnings that our Merciful Father in Heaven have given us have driven us straight into the arms of the enemy.  And lest we as believers shake our heads at the "heathens" in this nation, it's the church's fault.  (Before you stop reading take a moment and ask God to open your eyes to the truth.  As in all things that I write, I ask that you will pray to God to show you the truth.)
Let me explain what I mean when I say it's the church's fault.  We as believers in Christ have become so caught up in appearances that we have turned from the truth.  Instead of "letting our light shine before men," (Matthew 5:16) we have tried to make ourselves look and act a certain way.  I have seen numerous articles about why millennials are leaving the church, and to be brutally honest, I had even thought about walking away myself for a while, not from God but from the church. I didn't because I saw the importance in Scripture placed on meeting together.  I believe the reason that my generation is leaving the church is because we are sick of white washing.  We grew up seeing our parents generation so busy trying to white wash everything; making the house look good instead of making the house solid.  We grew up with our needs forgotten because we had to appear a certain way, we couldn't let people see our hurts because then they might look down on us, they might judge us.  This is NOT THE WAY OF THE BODY OF CHRIST!!  We in the church have come to a place where we are afraid of what others might think, that we forget about Truth.
The awesome thing about God is that there is HOPE! A Scripture that has been on my mind and heart for months is this: If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves adn pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land (1 Chronicles 7:14).  God is not asking for our nation to completely turn back to Him, He is asking that HIS PEOPLE turn back to Him.  We are the believers, called Christians, we are called by HIS NAME.  If we humble ourselves and pray and seek His face and turn from our wicked ways.  We as believers, as Christians, need to step up to the plate, and realize our fault in the evils of our nation.  We have allowed things to happen, and in many cases we have ACTIVELY participated in the evils of this nation.  We as a church have turned away from God, and as we have gone, so has the nation.  It's not the other way around as much as we would like to believe it to be true.  We have become apathetic and tried to fit in to the world around us instead of being set apart as we are called to in Scripture.  As that happened, we stopped caring about Truth, we stopped caring about the things that truly matter.
So my challenge to each one of you that reads this post is this: RISE UP OH PEOPLE OF GOD!  Rise up and pray!!! Seek the face of God and beg His forgiveness for our sins!


crucibleandcrown@gmail.com

Get togethers and distractions

Sunday after church a group of us decided we were going to go get some Cuban food.  We went in and a number of us ordered Chicharron, but the bakery was out of it.  If you have ever had chicharron, you know that once it gets in your head to have some, nothing else will satisfy you!  We were left bereft.  Someone said "maybe we'll have to buy the stuff and make it at home."  I said why don't we all go over to my house and make it there.  That's just what we did.
I had 11 people in my apartment.  It was amazing!!!  We all had such a wonderful time!  But as I looked around the group of people I was so thankful to God for the variety.  There was a Haitian, a Dominican, a Puerto Rican, a few people that I'm not sure of their background.  There were children as young as 3, and adults as old as 40.  Then there was me, a white country girl, who is not sure what she's doing here in the middle of the inner city of Elizabeth New Jersey.
Last night, a group of us, some of the same people that were in my apartment with some others mixed in went to a Christian music survey.  Just like Sunday, we had a great time! But as we were riding there they were talking about their kids, their backgrounds, their histories, and again, I felt very out of place.  Why would God put a girl in the midst of this place who can not relate to these people?  What is He thinking?  Why am I here?
This morning, I was sitting at my table spending some quiet time with God.  I finished my reading, and prayed a little bit.  I have started after praying just sitting and waiting on the Lord.  Just allowing some time for Him to say what He has to say.  It was silent so after a few minutes I gave up.  I picked up my phone and was playing on it.  Then very clearly in my head I heard Him say "Put away your phone."  I ignored it, so again "Put away your phone."  This time I listened.  Begrudgingly I sat there listening.  "Daughter, I love you, but you are so easily distracted.  Your head is turned so quickly.  I have made you a multitasker, but you try to multitask EVERYTHING! You can't multitask in your relationship with me."  I apologized for trying to rush Him, then He said this: "You ask yourself why you are here.  You ask why I have placed you in the middle of the inner city, where you feel you have nothing in common with the people around you.  But you don't see what I see, you don't see how you affect the people around you.  You have things in common with them, but you escaped much of the heartache they have dealt with, because of where they live.  You need to seek out those things that you do have in common instead of seeing the things you don't have in common.  My heart beats for you just like it beats for you.  My love pours out on them just like it does on you.  You share many of the same struggles with identity and with following me.  Where ever you go, you are to be a light for Me, a light that shines bright, and regardless of you being able to relate to them, I will use you!"
I then saw a video from Jonathan Cahn that so impacted me, and he said some of the same things about being in God's will, and being a light to the people around me.  I am going to share the youtube address for it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgYZlPAJHv0
We are not called to do what we think is the right thing, we are called to what God says is the right thing!  So I pray daily that as I walk through this crazy life that God has placed before me that He will lead me and that He will strengthen me to be what He wants me to be!

As always if you want more information or need prayer or to talk: crucibleandcrown@gmail.com

Focus

I'm going to start this blog by some lyrics from a song: "this world is spinning faster into a new disaster"  These are lyrics from a secular song, but the lyrics are true, and I think it's interesting that even non believers see it.  It seems like every week there's a new disaster, and the love of many has grown cold, just like it talks about in Scripture.  My heart breaks when I look around at the choices that we as a nation are making! Every day/week we are running further and further from the Truth.  It is impossible to be alive and not be bombarded with the sorrow.

Even on a personal level, so many people I know are bombarded with sorrow, and trials.  In my own life, loneliness and chaos seem to reign especially as of late.  I know I'm not the first missionary to struggle with loneliness.  How can a person pick up everything they own, leave everything and everyone they know, and not have moments of loneliness?  God has gifted me with some amazing people in my life here in New Jersey, and I can't thank God enough for them!  However, I miss my family, and get a little tired of worrying about bothering the people up here.  My thoughts are as follows:  My friends up here have their own lives, their own families, and the last thing they need is me hanging around all the time.  Where does that leave me?  That leaves me alone, a lot.  

I'm not telling you this so that you will feel sorry for me, or anything of the sort, but I tell you this because of what it is teaching me.  It is so easy for me to be overwhelmed with loneliness, and with the struggle to keep doing what God has asked me to do in spite of being alone much of the time.  In the same way, in the chaos of life in these days, it is so easy for us to become overwhelmed with our own individual struggles.  

I was having one of those days when I was overwhelmed and a dear friend could tell that I was upset so she sat me down and got me to talk about what was going on.  After I shared with her, she said to me, the first thing we need to remember is that we live in the last days, things are getting more and more evil by the day.  Next she asked me where is your focus.  So this is the question I will post to you.  Where is your focus?  I mean this sincerely, I am not asking this as a cliche question.  I would ask that each one of you that is reading this right now will stop and search your heart.  I also think that this isn't a once in a while question.  I think this is a daily and sometimes hourly question that we need to ask ourselves.  Where is your focus?  Is your focus on Christ our Savior, Redeemer or is it on the storm around you?  Are you looking up at Him or are you looking at yourself in self pity, or are you looking at the circumstances around you?
As humans it is so easy for us to lose track of our anchor because we let go of Him.  We get tossed around by the chaos of life because we reach for other things and forget that once we let go of the One who holds us in place, we are nothing but a buoy in a hurricane.  It is necessary for each one of us to fix our eyes on Christ, in order to survive.  The good thing is that once we re-affix our focus on God above, He grabs hold of us again.  Just like Peter when he was walking on the water, we aren't left to drown.  Jesus didn't come over to Peter and say "you get what you deserved, you didn't focus on me the whole time so now I'm going to let you sink."  No, He reached out and pulled Peter out of the water and lifted him back to where Peter would survive.  He does the same thing for us!
I started this entry with a line from a song, and I will end it with a line from another song, one that is designed to give us hope! "Let go my soul and trust in Him, the wind and waves still know His name".


I'm going to start attaching my email address to every entry.  If you need prayer, or have questions, or just need someone to talk to, email me.  God has given us each other to get through this life, and even if I don't know you, if you need a friend, please reach out to me! I love and pray for each person that reads this.  Crucibleandcrown@gmail.com 

Heartbreak and smiles

I'm realizing just how truly heartbreaking that life is.  This world that we live in is hard, it's painful, and it stinks.  Whether it's the heartbreak of a broken dream, or the heartbreak of a broken life, it doesn't change that it hurts.  Most people think (and I was one of them) that the heartbreak of one person is more or less heartbreaking than another based on the severity of the situation, and in some aspects I guess that is true, but I am beginning to think that heart break is heart break.  I see some of the most heartbreaking of situations every day.  A child who is so neglected that she resorts to cutting herself and contemplates suicide, the prostitute with a limp so severe who talks to herself because she is so alone in this world, the drug addict who can't face the world without pharmaceutical help, the refugee doctor and family who has had to flee everything and everyone they knew and now can't even get a job as a janitor to support his family, and these are just 4 stories out of so many.  And yes they are hard, heartbreaking stories.  It is difficult to live in and among these stories, and I do, these people that I have mentioned are my neighbors.  All but one of them live in my building.  I see these faces on a daily basis and am reminded of their heartbreak, but I am also reminded of my own.  Does being around these people make me hurt any less about broken friendships that i have in my own life, or the fact that I long to get married but am still single?  Does it make me not cry myself to sleep sometimes? No it doesn't.  My heartbreak isn't any less real just because the circumstances aren't life threatening.  The tears I shed in grief over a lost friend are still tears of grief.  We each face our own heartbreak, because that is life.  We live in this sinful fallen world, and even those of us that are in relationship with Father God still face heartbreak.
I used to beat myself up (anyone who knows me is probably not surprised by this admission! :)). I thought that because I'm not living in one of the aforementioned scenarios that I shouldn't feel grief, that I should be able to just look at my circumstances and compare them to others and that should make me feel better.  But we lie to ourselves when we do this.  Grief is different for everyone.  Some people wouldn't grieve a broken friendship, they would simply shrug it off and move on, I've seen it happen.  Does that mean that I'm not allowed to grieve, that my feelings are less valid?
Something else I have learned though, is to smile through my heartbreak.  Not a fake smile meant to hide or mask my pain, but a smile because I know that I have someOne bigger than the circumstances I face on my side.  I remember one night, I went to one of our ladies' nights at the mission, and I was miserable.  I had had a horrible week, I was fighting with someone very dear to me, and I couldn't figure out which way was up.  But one of the ladies said to me, "you are always smiling, I wish I could be that way"  And I said to her, "it's all God.  Because right now I want to be home curled up in my bed pretending like the world doesn't exist." Every part of what I said to her was true.  I have nothing in me, I am a broken hearted, struggling child of God who has to allow her Father to pick her up, dust her off, and heal her hurts.  We each have our own hurts, and sometimes the intensity of those hurts changes, but the thing that we need to remember is that God never leaves us nor forsakes us, and that He loves us.
Many people say the things I do with the mission are great, and I enjoy them, but ultimately, they are nothing. They are things I do in order to show my Father that I love Him, and hopefully in some small incomparable way to let the Father's love show through me.  My goal in this life is to allow myself to be as God created me to be, because as a friend of mine continues to remind me, I am awesome because God created me.  As each one of us realize this truth, God can work through us in bigger ways than we ever could have dreamed!

Jersey Girl??

So if I heard it once I heard it a hundred times... "You are moving to Jersey?"  Or "you ONLY have to stay 18 months"... But I packed up.  Actually I packed up and moved in 3 weeks without having any clue where I was going to live when I got up to New Jersey.  My friends and me drove up in a Uhaul, and checked into our hotel.  My father spent all day calling places and I had just about given up.  Then one last time I jumped on Craig's list, and there it was.  A perfect place.  It was a two bedroom, but it was right in my price range.  I called the land lord and set up a meet, and a half hour later we met at the apartment and I fell in love.  It was everything I ever wanted in a city apartment.  There was some back and forth, and it didn't look like I was going to get it because of some paperwork, but it came through.  So the next day, we were working on moving my things into my new place, and it was going very slowly.  I was desperate... and then 3 men walked by and asked if I needed help.  DISCLAIMER: if you move to New Jersey, DON'T allow random guys to help you move in.  But in this case, God protected me AND sent me helpers when I didn't have any other options.  They got all my stuff moved in and furniture put together in about an hour.  I gave them each some money, and they left.  What ended up happening was that I had made my first 3 friends in Jersey... Now yes they were felons living in the half way house down the street, but I knew they had my back, and that's still true 14 months later.
Next step in the awesomeness that is God, my pastor's wife from Virginia, had posted on Facebook that I needed a church home, and through the connections that they have, I was contacted by someone, who gave me the name of a church and a pastor.  So the day after I moved in to my new place, I walked the half mile to this church.  Streetlight Mission was not at all what I expected, and as I'm walking up to the building (very uncertainly I might add) and there stood this man.  He comes up to me and says "are you looking for the church?"  "Yes, I think so... I'm looking for Karen" "Yeah that's my wife!"  He brings me into the church and introduces me to her.  She brought me into the mission and gave me a piece of paper to write down my contact information.  She walked away, and another lady walks up and asked me if I was finished and if I wanted to get started.  I was very confused at this point but I said sure and followed her to another room.  Patty thought I was a volunteer at the mission, so she put me to work.  I realized very quickly that this wasn't church as I knew church.  We laugh now at the mistake, but without that mistake I know my life wouldn't be what it is...
I so fell in love with the mission in that first Sunday that I couldn't not go back.  I began to spend more and more time at the mission.  The mission has become such a huge part of my life... For the first time in my life I feel alive!  I feel like the purpose placed in me by God is being fulfilled.  Even my friends back home in Virginia comment on the difference in me.  People say they can see the difference on my face, and hear it in my voice.  I am getting to spend my time with the most broken in our society, the ones that most people would rather forget, and I see their stories.  I see their joys, their sorrows, and their struggles.  I have even picked up a nickname from some of the ladies at our ladies nights, "smiley".  This isn't just something that happens.  Just like with any group, you get a nickname when they feel that you are a part of the group, when you have connected with them on some level.
A few weeks back, I went home for my grandfather's funeral.  It was good to go home and see my family, because I miss them bunches, but I couldn't wait to get back HOME to Jersey.  That shocks a lot of people, and in some ways it shocked me when I realized it. But as I thought about it, this is where my heart is, this is where my life is, at least for now.  I believe Elizabeth is just a season in my life, but for now this is home.  Yes, Virginia will always be in part home, because it's where I'm from, and it's where my family is, but I don't think that I have one place that will always feel like home.  My best friend growing up always said I had a gypsy spirit, and I agree, I am planted where God has me, but I also know that He may uproot me and plant me elsewhere, and I'm okay with that.
So to finish up and answer my own question... Yes (even if only temporarily) I AM A JERSEY GIRL!  <3 p="">

God is God is God is God

I was tempted to start a brand new blog because I am a brand new person, but then I thought about it and I realized that even though I am a brand new person, I am still me, and this blog name still applies to my life. Actually it applies more now than it ever has in the past.  Because of the urging of a great friend of mine, I am going to be sharing my journey through some of the most amazing experiences since God has led me to the mission field in the most unlikeliest places, Elizabeth, New Jersey.  Before I start that, let me tell you a little bit about me, and this post may be a little bit long, but if you stick with it, I pray God will speak through me.

I grew up in a great family.  We had issues sure, but it was a great family!  I got to be involved in pretty much anything I wanted.  I can remember Tuesday nights at the skating rink, playing football in the back yard with my dad and brother, grilling out, going to the park to play softball, and the list could go on and on.  There was one thing that marred the greatness that was my life.  I didn't trust anyone, and then God helped me learn to trust Him which is a story I can tell on a different day.  This step began a series of events in my life that lead to me learning in small ways to trust people.  But even at that, I didn't trust easily, and I worked hard to keep people out of my heart.  I was more than happy to step in and be there for anyone, but I didn't want anyone to be there for me.  I was independent, self-sufficient, and quite frankly I was happy that way. I couldn't get hurt.

I lived that way for years.  I was 12 when I learned to trust God and it wasn't until I was 26 that God took me to the next step.  I had reached an apex in my relationship with God, and no matter what I did, I couldn't grow closer to God.  I would hit it, fall back, and grow again only to reach that same level and fall back again.  So I prayed and asked God to help me reach new levels with Him.  Let me throw a little disclaimer in here.  IF YOU PRAY THIS IT WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU EVER DO! IT ALSO WILL BE THE BEST!  God answers the prayers of people who are honestly seeking Him, and in order to reach new levels, God has to get the things out of your life that hinder growth.

For me these things started with my trust issues.    So using a roommate and dear friend God lead me to start counseling.  I never thought it would do anything for me, and now I'm more than ever convinced that every person should be in either counseling or mentoring or some such thing.  We can not fix ourselves no matter how hard we try.  We need each other, if you don't believe me, even God says so "as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another" Proverbs 27:17.  Sometimes it is because of other people that our flaws come out of hiding, but back to me and my journey.  Through my conversations in counseling God began to show me how that my carefully constructed walls were not only keeping other people out, they were keeping Him out.  So He lead me to break down those walls around my heart that I had literally spent my entire life building up.  I will tell you, this was the most painful experience of my life.  26 years of pain held inside of my heart and never dealt with came flowing out.  But God is faithful.  I will interject again.  No matter where you are, God is faithful, loving, and He is right there with you!  No matter what you are going through He is holding you.

I am going to change directions a little bit, but I will tie it together.  I had this picture of God and my relationship and it was incorrect in every way possible.   I believed that God had saved me only because He promised He would in His Word.  I was the unwanted child that had to earn any scrap of love that I received.  I knew that He saved me but I couldn't believe that He loved me. I became the perpetually happy, helpful, one who never said no to anything that I was asked to do.  It became an obsession.  I couldn't be anything but perfect, and could never do anything that someone might be displeased with, because if I wasn't perfect then people would walk away from me.  It was another reason to put walls up because if people knew that I wasn't perfect they wouldn't want anything to do with me.  My trust issues fed my love issues, and my love issues fed my trust issues.  It was a hideous cycle that worsened as time passed.  And both issues had to be dealt with before I could really be used as God wanted to use me.  God let me know in no uncertain terms that the things He had for me and the things I wanted could never be realized until I began to trust Him and feel His love.

As God began to open my old wounds and heal them, I began to open up to others in my life.  I would not have survived this time in my life had it not been for the people that God placed in my life to support me. Looking back, I can't imagine being my friend through this process.  I was in so much pain that I didn't even want to be around people.  I spent the most part of three months either in bed, locked in my room, or watching netflix and working on puzzles.  However, there were people that loved me regardless.  They climbed in bed with me, broke into my room, watched netflix and worked on puzzles with me, and sometimes even forced me to get out of the apartment and do something.  There were unfortunately some people in my life that I hurt irreparably, and I hate that, but I realize that in order for me to become who I needed to be, certain relationships had to either change significantly or end.  This is still hard for me to share, especially because one specific friendship was one I thought would last forever. However, the changes in me were too much for that friendship to withstand.  God is faithful regardless, and I believe that He is molding both of us into better women even if that is not as friends as long as we stick with Him.

I know it seems like I'm all over the place and don't seem to be cohesive, but I promise I am coming to a close.  After the first initial rush of pain and emotional infection was taken care of, I began to see how that God was healing me.  He was cleaning out all the things that were keeping me apart from Him, all the things that were keeping me chained and bound to my past, to my sin, and to my isolation.  He then began to speak love into my heart.  It wasn't easy for me to receive, and it was mostly rejected, but there were little beams of His love peering through the clouds of my heart.  Then 2 years later, after I had moved to Jersey, God placed a woman in my life who had been through things similar to mine, and as she talked about her story, I heard words similar to my own.  In someways I wondered if she was me from the future(not really).  She began to pour into me and show me things about myself that I never knew and never believed possible.  We sat down in her office one snowy Sunday evening and she prayed with me.  She asked God to reveal the root of my inability to receive love into my heart.  God being who He is was more than happy to oblige her request and He took me to the moment where the lie that I was unlovable first began to grow.  He then spoke His Truth over that moment, and helped me to see my worth.  I could give you all the platitudes about our worth, and they would be true, but you have probably heard them a thousand times, so I won't waste the space.  Plus, if you feel as I did, you don't believe they apply to you anyways, so why bother?  I will just say, that night I knew, and every moment since that evening, I have never doubted that God loved me.

I am writing this tonight not because I want to rehash and remember these things, and not because I want to share.  Trust me, neither of these things are true, and if you know me at all, I actually hate talking about my past and my life and struggles.  I share these things with you, because I know that I am not the only one with these doubts and feelings.  I am not the only 20 something year old who feels unloved, unworthy, and like she has to earn everyone's love.  I want to let you know that there is freedom from those thoughts.  There is freedom from the fears that you will be forever alone.  God wishes that everyone be free from the law of sin and death.  In order for that to happen, there will be a cost.  It will cost you the chains that have become comfortable, it will cost you the patterns that have become familiar, and it will cost you your independence.  But as a survivor of this transformation, it is well worth the cost!!!  If you are in any way feeling as I felt, or just have questions feel free to reach out to me at crucibleandcrown@gmail.com

I hope and pray that at least some part of my story touched your heart and at least made you think about your own circumstances.  Stay tuned as I begin to share my journey as a small town country girl from Virginia who unintentionally (on my part) became a missionary living in the heart of the city of Elizabeth, New Jersey.