There is something that's been on my heart as of late, and I am hesitant to even post it because it's kind of harsh, but I believe this morning the Lord has placed it on my heart specifically so I could write it. I know many people are coming out on Facebook and other social media and are seemingly disgusted by the ways of our country. We as a nation have legalized same sex marriage, and we as a nation are supporting a company that sells aborted babies' parts. The outcry in Christian circles has been tremendous.
My question is this: what are we as believers in Christ doing to change our nation? Are we speaking out against these evils? Are we supporting pregnancy centers and hope centers that give mothers options? Are we contacting our Congressmen to tell them what we think? Are we giving a public outcry on Facebook, Twitter, etc? Are we merely grumbling but taking no action? What are we doing to change our nation? If you are someone who is doing these things, GREAT!!! None of these actions are incorrect (except the grumbling one I guess). It is important to speak out, to others, to Congressmen, to publicly share your disapproval, it is important to give expectant mothers another option. But are these things alone going to change our nation?
I believe that a time of great shaking is coming to this nation. The warning signs have been showing for years, but we have chosen to ignore them. Instead of allowing these warnings to drive us into the arms of God, we as a nation have shaken our fist and said WE WILL FIX IT! WE will do what needs done to change our nation. WE will fight against those that are attacking us. As a nation, we have more rapidly turned from the things of God than even seems possible. These warnings that our Merciful Father in Heaven have given us have driven us straight into the arms of the enemy. And lest we as believers shake our heads at the "heathens" in this nation, it's the church's fault. (Before you stop reading take a moment and ask God to open your eyes to the truth. As in all things that I write, I ask that you will pray to God to show you the truth.)
Let me explain what I mean when I say it's the church's fault. We as believers in Christ have become so caught up in appearances that we have turned from the truth. Instead of "letting our light shine before men," (Matthew 5:16) we have tried to make ourselves look and act a certain way. I have seen numerous articles about why millennials are leaving the church, and to be brutally honest, I had even thought about walking away myself for a while, not from God but from the church. I didn't because I saw the importance in Scripture placed on meeting together. I believe the reason that my generation is leaving the church is because we are sick of white washing. We grew up seeing our parents generation so busy trying to white wash everything; making the house look good instead of making the house solid. We grew up with our needs forgotten because we had to appear a certain way, we couldn't let people see our hurts because then they might look down on us, they might judge us. This is NOT THE WAY OF THE BODY OF CHRIST!! We in the church have come to a place where we are afraid of what others might think, that we forget about Truth.
The awesome thing about God is that there is HOPE! A Scripture that has been on my mind and heart for months is this: If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves adn pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land (1 Chronicles 7:14). God is not asking for our nation to completely turn back to Him, He is asking that HIS PEOPLE turn back to Him. We are the believers, called Christians, we are called by HIS NAME. If we humble ourselves and pray and seek His face and turn from our wicked ways. We as believers, as Christians, need to step up to the plate, and realize our fault in the evils of our nation. We have allowed things to happen, and in many cases we have ACTIVELY participated in the evils of this nation. We as a church have turned away from God, and as we have gone, so has the nation. It's not the other way around as much as we would like to believe it to be true. We have become apathetic and tried to fit in to the world around us instead of being set apart as we are called to in Scripture. As that happened, we stopped caring about Truth, we stopped caring about the things that truly matter.
So my challenge to each one of you that reads this post is this: RISE UP OH PEOPLE OF GOD! Rise up and pray!!! Seek the face of God and beg His forgiveness for our sins!
crucibleandcrown@gmail.com
Friday, August 14, 2015
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Get togethers and distractions
Sunday after church a group of us decided we were going to go get some Cuban food. We went in and a number of us ordered Chicharron, but the bakery was out of it. If you have ever had chicharron, you know that once it gets in your head to have some, nothing else will satisfy you! We were left bereft. Someone said "maybe we'll have to buy the stuff and make it at home." I said why don't we all go over to my house and make it there. That's just what we did.
I had 11 people in my apartment. It was amazing!!! We all had such a wonderful time! But as I looked around the group of people I was so thankful to God for the variety. There was a Haitian, a Dominican, a Puerto Rican, a few people that I'm not sure of their background. There were children as young as 3, and adults as old as 40. Then there was me, a white country girl, who is not sure what she's doing here in the middle of the inner city of Elizabeth New Jersey.
Last night, a group of us, some of the same people that were in my apartment with some others mixed in went to a Christian music survey. Just like Sunday, we had a great time! But as we were riding there they were talking about their kids, their backgrounds, their histories, and again, I felt very out of place. Why would God put a girl in the midst of this place who can not relate to these people? What is He thinking? Why am I here?
This morning, I was sitting at my table spending some quiet time with God. I finished my reading, and prayed a little bit. I have started after praying just sitting and waiting on the Lord. Just allowing some time for Him to say what He has to say. It was silent so after a few minutes I gave up. I picked up my phone and was playing on it. Then very clearly in my head I heard Him say "Put away your phone." I ignored it, so again "Put away your phone." This time I listened. Begrudgingly I sat there listening. "Daughter, I love you, but you are so easily distracted. Your head is turned so quickly. I have made you a multitasker, but you try to multitask EVERYTHING! You can't multitask in your relationship with me." I apologized for trying to rush Him, then He said this: "You ask yourself why you are here. You ask why I have placed you in the middle of the inner city, where you feel you have nothing in common with the people around you. But you don't see what I see, you don't see how you affect the people around you. You have things in common with them, but you escaped much of the heartache they have dealt with, because of where they live. You need to seek out those things that you do have in common instead of seeing the things you don't have in common. My heart beats for you just like it beats for you. My love pours out on them just like it does on you. You share many of the same struggles with identity and with following me. Where ever you go, you are to be a light for Me, a light that shines bright, and regardless of you being able to relate to them, I will use you!"
I then saw a video from Jonathan Cahn that so impacted me, and he said some of the same things about being in God's will, and being a light to the people around me. I am going to share the youtube address for it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgYZlPAJHv0
We are not called to do what we think is the right thing, we are called to what God says is the right thing! So I pray daily that as I walk through this crazy life that God has placed before me that He will lead me and that He will strengthen me to be what He wants me to be!
As always if you want more information or need prayer or to talk: crucibleandcrown@gmail.com
I had 11 people in my apartment. It was amazing!!! We all had such a wonderful time! But as I looked around the group of people I was so thankful to God for the variety. There was a Haitian, a Dominican, a Puerto Rican, a few people that I'm not sure of their background. There were children as young as 3, and adults as old as 40. Then there was me, a white country girl, who is not sure what she's doing here in the middle of the inner city of Elizabeth New Jersey.
Last night, a group of us, some of the same people that were in my apartment with some others mixed in went to a Christian music survey. Just like Sunday, we had a great time! But as we were riding there they were talking about their kids, their backgrounds, their histories, and again, I felt very out of place. Why would God put a girl in the midst of this place who can not relate to these people? What is He thinking? Why am I here?
This morning, I was sitting at my table spending some quiet time with God. I finished my reading, and prayed a little bit. I have started after praying just sitting and waiting on the Lord. Just allowing some time for Him to say what He has to say. It was silent so after a few minutes I gave up. I picked up my phone and was playing on it. Then very clearly in my head I heard Him say "Put away your phone." I ignored it, so again "Put away your phone." This time I listened. Begrudgingly I sat there listening. "Daughter, I love you, but you are so easily distracted. Your head is turned so quickly. I have made you a multitasker, but you try to multitask EVERYTHING! You can't multitask in your relationship with me." I apologized for trying to rush Him, then He said this: "You ask yourself why you are here. You ask why I have placed you in the middle of the inner city, where you feel you have nothing in common with the people around you. But you don't see what I see, you don't see how you affect the people around you. You have things in common with them, but you escaped much of the heartache they have dealt with, because of where they live. You need to seek out those things that you do have in common instead of seeing the things you don't have in common. My heart beats for you just like it beats for you. My love pours out on them just like it does on you. You share many of the same struggles with identity and with following me. Where ever you go, you are to be a light for Me, a light that shines bright, and regardless of you being able to relate to them, I will use you!"
I then saw a video from Jonathan Cahn that so impacted me, and he said some of the same things about being in God's will, and being a light to the people around me. I am going to share the youtube address for it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgYZlPAJHv0
We are not called to do what we think is the right thing, we are called to what God says is the right thing! So I pray daily that as I walk through this crazy life that God has placed before me that He will lead me and that He will strengthen me to be what He wants me to be!
As always if you want more information or need prayer or to talk: crucibleandcrown@gmail.com
Friday, August 7, 2015
Focus
I'm going to start this blog by some lyrics from a song: "this world is spinning faster into a new disaster" These are lyrics from a secular song, but the lyrics are true, and I think it's interesting that even non believers see it. It seems like every week there's a new disaster, and the love of many has grown cold, just like it talks about in Scripture. My heart breaks when I look around at the choices that we as a nation are making! Every day/week we are running further and further from the Truth. It is impossible to be alive and not be bombarded with the sorrow.
Even on a personal level, so many people I know are bombarded with sorrow, and trials. In my own life, loneliness and chaos seem to reign especially as of late. I know I'm not the first missionary to struggle with loneliness. How can a person pick up everything they own, leave everything and everyone they know, and not have moments of loneliness? God has gifted me with some amazing people in my life here in New Jersey, and I can't thank God enough for them! However, I miss my family, and get a little tired of worrying about bothering the people up here. My thoughts are as follows: My friends up here have their own lives, their own families, and the last thing they need is me hanging around all the time. Where does that leave me? That leaves me alone, a lot.
I'm not telling you this so that you will feel sorry for me, or anything of the sort, but I tell you this because of what it is teaching me. It is so easy for me to be overwhelmed with loneliness, and with the struggle to keep doing what God has asked me to do in spite of being alone much of the time. In the same way, in the chaos of life in these days, it is so easy for us to become overwhelmed with our own individual struggles.
I was having one of those days when I was overwhelmed and a dear friend could tell that I was upset so she sat me down and got me to talk about what was going on. After I shared with her, she said to me, the first thing we need to remember is that we live in the last days, things are getting more and more evil by the day. Next she asked me where is your focus. So this is the question I will post to you. Where is your focus? I mean this sincerely, I am not asking this as a cliche question. I would ask that each one of you that is reading this right now will stop and search your heart. I also think that this isn't a once in a while question. I think this is a daily and sometimes hourly question that we need to ask ourselves. Where is your focus? Is your focus on Christ our Savior, Redeemer or is it on the storm around you? Are you looking up at Him or are you looking at yourself in self pity, or are you looking at the circumstances around you?
As humans it is so easy for us to lose track of our anchor because we let go of Him. We get tossed around by the chaos of life because we reach for other things and forget that once we let go of the One who holds us in place, we are nothing but a buoy in a hurricane. It is necessary for each one of us to fix our eyes on Christ, in order to survive. The good thing is that once we re-affix our focus on God above, He grabs hold of us again. Just like Peter when he was walking on the water, we aren't left to drown. Jesus didn't come over to Peter and say "you get what you deserved, you didn't focus on me the whole time so now I'm going to let you sink." No, He reached out and pulled Peter out of the water and lifted him back to where Peter would survive. He does the same thing for us!
I started this entry with a line from a song, and I will end it with a line from another song, one that is designed to give us hope! "Let go my soul and trust in Him, the wind and waves still know His name".
I'm going to start attaching my email address to every entry. If you need prayer, or have questions, or just need someone to talk to, email me. God has given us each other to get through this life, and even if I don't know you, if you need a friend, please reach out to me! I love and pray for each person that reads this. Crucibleandcrown@gmail.com
As humans it is so easy for us to lose track of our anchor because we let go of Him. We get tossed around by the chaos of life because we reach for other things and forget that once we let go of the One who holds us in place, we are nothing but a buoy in a hurricane. It is necessary for each one of us to fix our eyes on Christ, in order to survive. The good thing is that once we re-affix our focus on God above, He grabs hold of us again. Just like Peter when he was walking on the water, we aren't left to drown. Jesus didn't come over to Peter and say "you get what you deserved, you didn't focus on me the whole time so now I'm going to let you sink." No, He reached out and pulled Peter out of the water and lifted him back to where Peter would survive. He does the same thing for us!
I started this entry with a line from a song, and I will end it with a line from another song, one that is designed to give us hope! "Let go my soul and trust in Him, the wind and waves still know His name".
I'm going to start attaching my email address to every entry. If you need prayer, or have questions, or just need someone to talk to, email me. God has given us each other to get through this life, and even if I don't know you, if you need a friend, please reach out to me! I love and pray for each person that reads this. Crucibleandcrown@gmail.com
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Heartbreak and smiles
I'm realizing just how truly heartbreaking that life is. This world that we live in is hard, it's painful, and it stinks. Whether it's the heartbreak of a broken dream, or the heartbreak of a broken life, it doesn't change that it hurts. Most people think (and I was one of them) that the heartbreak of one person is more or less heartbreaking than another based on the severity of the situation, and in some aspects I guess that is true, but I am beginning to think that heart break is heart break. I see some of the most heartbreaking of situations every day. A child who is so neglected that she resorts to cutting herself and contemplates suicide, the prostitute with a limp so severe who talks to herself because she is so alone in this world, the drug addict who can't face the world without pharmaceutical help, the refugee doctor and family who has had to flee everything and everyone they knew and now can't even get a job as a janitor to support his family, and these are just 4 stories out of so many. And yes they are hard, heartbreaking stories. It is difficult to live in and among these stories, and I do, these people that I have mentioned are my neighbors. All but one of them live in my building. I see these faces on a daily basis and am reminded of their heartbreak, but I am also reminded of my own. Does being around these people make me hurt any less about broken friendships that i have in my own life, or the fact that I long to get married but am still single? Does it make me not cry myself to sleep sometimes? No it doesn't. My heartbreak isn't any less real just because the circumstances aren't life threatening. The tears I shed in grief over a lost friend are still tears of grief. We each face our own heartbreak, because that is life. We live in this sinful fallen world, and even those of us that are in relationship with Father God still face heartbreak.
I used to beat myself up (anyone who knows me is probably not surprised by this admission! :)). I thought that because I'm not living in one of the aforementioned scenarios that I shouldn't feel grief, that I should be able to just look at my circumstances and compare them to others and that should make me feel better. But we lie to ourselves when we do this. Grief is different for everyone. Some people wouldn't grieve a broken friendship, they would simply shrug it off and move on, I've seen it happen. Does that mean that I'm not allowed to grieve, that my feelings are less valid?
Something else I have learned though, is to smile through my heartbreak. Not a fake smile meant to hide or mask my pain, but a smile because I know that I have someOne bigger than the circumstances I face on my side. I remember one night, I went to one of our ladies' nights at the mission, and I was miserable. I had had a horrible week, I was fighting with someone very dear to me, and I couldn't figure out which way was up. But one of the ladies said to me, "you are always smiling, I wish I could be that way" And I said to her, "it's all God. Because right now I want to be home curled up in my bed pretending like the world doesn't exist." Every part of what I said to her was true. I have nothing in me, I am a broken hearted, struggling child of God who has to allow her Father to pick her up, dust her off, and heal her hurts. We each have our own hurts, and sometimes the intensity of those hurts changes, but the thing that we need to remember is that God never leaves us nor forsakes us, and that He loves us.
Many people say the things I do with the mission are great, and I enjoy them, but ultimately, they are nothing. They are things I do in order to show my Father that I love Him, and hopefully in some small incomparable way to let the Father's love show through me. My goal in this life is to allow myself to be as God created me to be, because as a friend of mine continues to remind me, I am awesome because God created me. As each one of us realize this truth, God can work through us in bigger ways than we ever could have dreamed!
I used to beat myself up (anyone who knows me is probably not surprised by this admission! :)). I thought that because I'm not living in one of the aforementioned scenarios that I shouldn't feel grief, that I should be able to just look at my circumstances and compare them to others and that should make me feel better. But we lie to ourselves when we do this. Grief is different for everyone. Some people wouldn't grieve a broken friendship, they would simply shrug it off and move on, I've seen it happen. Does that mean that I'm not allowed to grieve, that my feelings are less valid?
Something else I have learned though, is to smile through my heartbreak. Not a fake smile meant to hide or mask my pain, but a smile because I know that I have someOne bigger than the circumstances I face on my side. I remember one night, I went to one of our ladies' nights at the mission, and I was miserable. I had had a horrible week, I was fighting with someone very dear to me, and I couldn't figure out which way was up. But one of the ladies said to me, "you are always smiling, I wish I could be that way" And I said to her, "it's all God. Because right now I want to be home curled up in my bed pretending like the world doesn't exist." Every part of what I said to her was true. I have nothing in me, I am a broken hearted, struggling child of God who has to allow her Father to pick her up, dust her off, and heal her hurts. We each have our own hurts, and sometimes the intensity of those hurts changes, but the thing that we need to remember is that God never leaves us nor forsakes us, and that He loves us.
Many people say the things I do with the mission are great, and I enjoy them, but ultimately, they are nothing. They are things I do in order to show my Father that I love Him, and hopefully in some small incomparable way to let the Father's love show through me. My goal in this life is to allow myself to be as God created me to be, because as a friend of mine continues to remind me, I am awesome because God created me. As each one of us realize this truth, God can work through us in bigger ways than we ever could have dreamed!
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Jersey Girl??
So if I heard it once I heard it a hundred times... "You are moving to Jersey?" Or "you ONLY have to stay 18 months"... But I packed up. Actually I packed up and moved in 3 weeks without having any clue where I was going to live when I got up to New Jersey. My friends and me drove up in a Uhaul, and checked into our hotel. My father spent all day calling places and I had just about given up. Then one last time I jumped on Craig's list, and there it was. A perfect place. It was a two bedroom, but it was right in my price range. I called the land lord and set up a meet, and a half hour later we met at the apartment and I fell in love. It was everything I ever wanted in a city apartment. There was some back and forth, and it didn't look like I was going to get it because of some paperwork, but it came through. So the next day, we were working on moving my things into my new place, and it was going very slowly. I was desperate... and then 3 men walked by and asked if I needed help. DISCLAIMER: if you move to New Jersey, DON'T allow random guys to help you move in. But in this case, God protected me AND sent me helpers when I didn't have any other options. They got all my stuff moved in and furniture put together in about an hour. I gave them each some money, and they left. What ended up happening was that I had made my first 3 friends in Jersey... Now yes they were felons living in the half way house down the street, but I knew they had my back, and that's still true 14 months later.
Next step in the awesomeness that is God, my pastor's wife from Virginia, had posted on Facebook that I needed a church home, and through the connections that they have, I was contacted by someone, who gave me the name of a church and a pastor. So the day after I moved in to my new place, I walked the half mile to this church. Streetlight Mission was not at all what I expected, and as I'm walking up to the building (very uncertainly I might add) and there stood this man. He comes up to me and says "are you looking for the church?" "Yes, I think so... I'm looking for Karen" "Yeah that's my wife!" He brings me into the church and introduces me to her. She brought me into the mission and gave me a piece of paper to write down my contact information. She walked away, and another lady walks up and asked me if I was finished and if I wanted to get started. I was very confused at this point but I said sure and followed her to another room. Patty thought I was a volunteer at the mission, so she put me to work. I realized very quickly that this wasn't church as I knew church. We laugh now at the mistake, but without that mistake I know my life wouldn't be what it is...
I so fell in love with the mission in that first Sunday that I couldn't not go back. I began to spend more and more time at the mission. The mission has become such a huge part of my life... For the first time in my life I feel alive! I feel like the purpose placed in me by God is being fulfilled. Even my friends back home in Virginia comment on the difference in me. People say they can see the difference on my face, and hear it in my voice. I am getting to spend my time with the most broken in our society, the ones that most people would rather forget, and I see their stories. I see their joys, their sorrows, and their struggles. I have even picked up a nickname from some of the ladies at our ladies nights, "smiley". This isn't just something that happens. Just like with any group, you get a nickname when they feel that you are a part of the group, when you have connected with them on some level.
A few weeks back, I went home for my grandfather's funeral. It was good to go home and see my family, because I miss them bunches, but I couldn't wait to get back HOME to Jersey. That shocks a lot of people, and in some ways it shocked me when I realized it. But as I thought about it, this is where my heart is, this is where my life is, at least for now. I believe Elizabeth is just a season in my life, but for now this is home. Yes, Virginia will always be in part home, because it's where I'm from, and it's where my family is, but I don't think that I have one place that will always feel like home. My best friend growing up always said I had a gypsy spirit, and I agree, I am planted where God has me, but I also know that He may uproot me and plant me elsewhere, and I'm okay with that.
So to finish up and answer my own question... Yes (even if only temporarily) I AM A JERSEY GIRL! <3 p="">
Next step in the awesomeness that is God, my pastor's wife from Virginia, had posted on Facebook that I needed a church home, and through the connections that they have, I was contacted by someone, who gave me the name of a church and a pastor. So the day after I moved in to my new place, I walked the half mile to this church. Streetlight Mission was not at all what I expected, and as I'm walking up to the building (very uncertainly I might add) and there stood this man. He comes up to me and says "are you looking for the church?" "Yes, I think so... I'm looking for Karen" "Yeah that's my wife!" He brings me into the church and introduces me to her. She brought me into the mission and gave me a piece of paper to write down my contact information. She walked away, and another lady walks up and asked me if I was finished and if I wanted to get started. I was very confused at this point but I said sure and followed her to another room. Patty thought I was a volunteer at the mission, so she put me to work. I realized very quickly that this wasn't church as I knew church. We laugh now at the mistake, but without that mistake I know my life wouldn't be what it is...
I so fell in love with the mission in that first Sunday that I couldn't not go back. I began to spend more and more time at the mission. The mission has become such a huge part of my life... For the first time in my life I feel alive! I feel like the purpose placed in me by God is being fulfilled. Even my friends back home in Virginia comment on the difference in me. People say they can see the difference on my face, and hear it in my voice. I am getting to spend my time with the most broken in our society, the ones that most people would rather forget, and I see their stories. I see their joys, their sorrows, and their struggles. I have even picked up a nickname from some of the ladies at our ladies nights, "smiley". This isn't just something that happens. Just like with any group, you get a nickname when they feel that you are a part of the group, when you have connected with them on some level.
A few weeks back, I went home for my grandfather's funeral. It was good to go home and see my family, because I miss them bunches, but I couldn't wait to get back HOME to Jersey. That shocks a lot of people, and in some ways it shocked me when I realized it. But as I thought about it, this is where my heart is, this is where my life is, at least for now. I believe Elizabeth is just a season in my life, but for now this is home. Yes, Virginia will always be in part home, because it's where I'm from, and it's where my family is, but I don't think that I have one place that will always feel like home. My best friend growing up always said I had a gypsy spirit, and I agree, I am planted where God has me, but I also know that He may uproot me and plant me elsewhere, and I'm okay with that.
So to finish up and answer my own question... Yes (even if only temporarily) I AM A JERSEY GIRL! <3 p="">
God is God is God is God
I was tempted to start a brand new blog because I am a brand new person, but then I thought about it and I realized that even though I am a brand new person, I am still me, and this blog name still applies to my life. Actually it applies more now than it ever has in the past. Because of the urging of a great friend of mine, I am going to be sharing my journey through some of the most amazing experiences since God has led me to the mission field in the most unlikeliest places, Elizabeth, New Jersey. Before I start that, let me tell you a little bit about me, and this post may be a little bit long, but if you stick with it, I pray God will speak through me.
I grew up in a great family. We had issues sure, but it was a great family! I got to be involved in pretty much anything I wanted. I can remember Tuesday nights at the skating rink, playing football in the back yard with my dad and brother, grilling out, going to the park to play softball, and the list could go on and on. There was one thing that marred the greatness that was my life. I didn't trust anyone, and then God helped me learn to trust Him which is a story I can tell on a different day. This step began a series of events in my life that lead to me learning in small ways to trust people. But even at that, I didn't trust easily, and I worked hard to keep people out of my heart. I was more than happy to step in and be there for anyone, but I didn't want anyone to be there for me. I was independent, self-sufficient, and quite frankly I was happy that way. I couldn't get hurt.
I lived that way for years. I was 12 when I learned to trust God and it wasn't until I was 26 that God took me to the next step. I had reached an apex in my relationship with God, and no matter what I did, I couldn't grow closer to God. I would hit it, fall back, and grow again only to reach that same level and fall back again. So I prayed and asked God to help me reach new levels with Him. Let me throw a little disclaimer in here. IF YOU PRAY THIS IT WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU EVER DO! IT ALSO WILL BE THE BEST! God answers the prayers of people who are honestly seeking Him, and in order to reach new levels, God has to get the things out of your life that hinder growth.
For me these things started with my trust issues. So using a roommate and dear friend God lead me to start counseling. I never thought it would do anything for me, and now I'm more than ever convinced that every person should be in either counseling or mentoring or some such thing. We can not fix ourselves no matter how hard we try. We need each other, if you don't believe me, even God says so "as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another" Proverbs 27:17. Sometimes it is because of other people that our flaws come out of hiding, but back to me and my journey. Through my conversations in counseling God began to show me how that my carefully constructed walls were not only keeping other people out, they were keeping Him out. So He lead me to break down those walls around my heart that I had literally spent my entire life building up. I will tell you, this was the most painful experience of my life. 26 years of pain held inside of my heart and never dealt with came flowing out. But God is faithful. I will interject again. No matter where you are, God is faithful, loving, and He is right there with you! No matter what you are going through He is holding you.
I am going to change directions a little bit, but I will tie it together. I had this picture of God and my relationship and it was incorrect in every way possible. I believed that God had saved me only because He promised He would in His Word. I was the unwanted child that had to earn any scrap of love that I received. I knew that He saved me but I couldn't believe that He loved me. I became the perpetually happy, helpful, one who never said no to anything that I was asked to do. It became an obsession. I couldn't be anything but perfect, and could never do anything that someone might be displeased with, because if I wasn't perfect then people would walk away from me. It was another reason to put walls up because if people knew that I wasn't perfect they wouldn't want anything to do with me. My trust issues fed my love issues, and my love issues fed my trust issues. It was a hideous cycle that worsened as time passed. And both issues had to be dealt with before I could really be used as God wanted to use me. God let me know in no uncertain terms that the things He had for me and the things I wanted could never be realized until I began to trust Him and feel His love.
As God began to open my old wounds and heal them, I began to open up to others in my life. I would not have survived this time in my life had it not been for the people that God placed in my life to support me. Looking back, I can't imagine being my friend through this process. I was in so much pain that I didn't even want to be around people. I spent the most part of three months either in bed, locked in my room, or watching netflix and working on puzzles. However, there were people that loved me regardless. They climbed in bed with me, broke into my room, watched netflix and worked on puzzles with me, and sometimes even forced me to get out of the apartment and do something. There were unfortunately some people in my life that I hurt irreparably, and I hate that, but I realize that in order for me to become who I needed to be, certain relationships had to either change significantly or end. This is still hard for me to share, especially because one specific friendship was one I thought would last forever. However, the changes in me were too much for that friendship to withstand. God is faithful regardless, and I believe that He is molding both of us into better women even if that is not as friends as long as we stick with Him.
I know it seems like I'm all over the place and don't seem to be cohesive, but I promise I am coming to a close. After the first initial rush of pain and emotional infection was taken care of, I began to see how that God was healing me. He was cleaning out all the things that were keeping me apart from Him, all the things that were keeping me chained and bound to my past, to my sin, and to my isolation. He then began to speak love into my heart. It wasn't easy for me to receive, and it was mostly rejected, but there were little beams of His love peering through the clouds of my heart. Then 2 years later, after I had moved to Jersey, God placed a woman in my life who had been through things similar to mine, and as she talked about her story, I heard words similar to my own. In someways I wondered if she was me from the future(not really). She began to pour into me and show me things about myself that I never knew and never believed possible. We sat down in her office one snowy Sunday evening and she prayed with me. She asked God to reveal the root of my inability to receive love into my heart. God being who He is was more than happy to oblige her request and He took me to the moment where the lie that I was unlovable first began to grow. He then spoke His Truth over that moment, and helped me to see my worth. I could give you all the platitudes about our worth, and they would be true, but you have probably heard them a thousand times, so I won't waste the space. Plus, if you feel as I did, you don't believe they apply to you anyways, so why bother? I will just say, that night I knew, and every moment since that evening, I have never doubted that God loved me.
I am writing this tonight not because I want to rehash and remember these things, and not because I want to share. Trust me, neither of these things are true, and if you know me at all, I actually hate talking about my past and my life and struggles. I share these things with you, because I know that I am not the only one with these doubts and feelings. I am not the only 20 something year old who feels unloved, unworthy, and like she has to earn everyone's love. I want to let you know that there is freedom from those thoughts. There is freedom from the fears that you will be forever alone. God wishes that everyone be free from the law of sin and death. In order for that to happen, there will be a cost. It will cost you the chains that have become comfortable, it will cost you the patterns that have become familiar, and it will cost you your independence. But as a survivor of this transformation, it is well worth the cost!!! If you are in any way feeling as I felt, or just have questions feel free to reach out to me at crucibleandcrown@gmail.com
I hope and pray that at least some part of my story touched your heart and at least made you think about your own circumstances. Stay tuned as I begin to share my journey as a small town country girl from Virginia who unintentionally (on my part) became a missionary living in the heart of the city of Elizabeth, New Jersey.
I grew up in a great family. We had issues sure, but it was a great family! I got to be involved in pretty much anything I wanted. I can remember Tuesday nights at the skating rink, playing football in the back yard with my dad and brother, grilling out, going to the park to play softball, and the list could go on and on. There was one thing that marred the greatness that was my life. I didn't trust anyone, and then God helped me learn to trust Him which is a story I can tell on a different day. This step began a series of events in my life that lead to me learning in small ways to trust people. But even at that, I didn't trust easily, and I worked hard to keep people out of my heart. I was more than happy to step in and be there for anyone, but I didn't want anyone to be there for me. I was independent, self-sufficient, and quite frankly I was happy that way. I couldn't get hurt.
I lived that way for years. I was 12 when I learned to trust God and it wasn't until I was 26 that God took me to the next step. I had reached an apex in my relationship with God, and no matter what I did, I couldn't grow closer to God. I would hit it, fall back, and grow again only to reach that same level and fall back again. So I prayed and asked God to help me reach new levels with Him. Let me throw a little disclaimer in here. IF YOU PRAY THIS IT WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU EVER DO! IT ALSO WILL BE THE BEST! God answers the prayers of people who are honestly seeking Him, and in order to reach new levels, God has to get the things out of your life that hinder growth.
For me these things started with my trust issues. So using a roommate and dear friend God lead me to start counseling. I never thought it would do anything for me, and now I'm more than ever convinced that every person should be in either counseling or mentoring or some such thing. We can not fix ourselves no matter how hard we try. We need each other, if you don't believe me, even God says so "as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another" Proverbs 27:17. Sometimes it is because of other people that our flaws come out of hiding, but back to me and my journey. Through my conversations in counseling God began to show me how that my carefully constructed walls were not only keeping other people out, they were keeping Him out. So He lead me to break down those walls around my heart that I had literally spent my entire life building up. I will tell you, this was the most painful experience of my life. 26 years of pain held inside of my heart and never dealt with came flowing out. But God is faithful. I will interject again. No matter where you are, God is faithful, loving, and He is right there with you! No matter what you are going through He is holding you.
I am going to change directions a little bit, but I will tie it together. I had this picture of God and my relationship and it was incorrect in every way possible. I believed that God had saved me only because He promised He would in His Word. I was the unwanted child that had to earn any scrap of love that I received. I knew that He saved me but I couldn't believe that He loved me. I became the perpetually happy, helpful, one who never said no to anything that I was asked to do. It became an obsession. I couldn't be anything but perfect, and could never do anything that someone might be displeased with, because if I wasn't perfect then people would walk away from me. It was another reason to put walls up because if people knew that I wasn't perfect they wouldn't want anything to do with me. My trust issues fed my love issues, and my love issues fed my trust issues. It was a hideous cycle that worsened as time passed. And both issues had to be dealt with before I could really be used as God wanted to use me. God let me know in no uncertain terms that the things He had for me and the things I wanted could never be realized until I began to trust Him and feel His love.
As God began to open my old wounds and heal them, I began to open up to others in my life. I would not have survived this time in my life had it not been for the people that God placed in my life to support me. Looking back, I can't imagine being my friend through this process. I was in so much pain that I didn't even want to be around people. I spent the most part of three months either in bed, locked in my room, or watching netflix and working on puzzles. However, there were people that loved me regardless. They climbed in bed with me, broke into my room, watched netflix and worked on puzzles with me, and sometimes even forced me to get out of the apartment and do something. There were unfortunately some people in my life that I hurt irreparably, and I hate that, but I realize that in order for me to become who I needed to be, certain relationships had to either change significantly or end. This is still hard for me to share, especially because one specific friendship was one I thought would last forever. However, the changes in me were too much for that friendship to withstand. God is faithful regardless, and I believe that He is molding both of us into better women even if that is not as friends as long as we stick with Him.
I know it seems like I'm all over the place and don't seem to be cohesive, but I promise I am coming to a close. After the first initial rush of pain and emotional infection was taken care of, I began to see how that God was healing me. He was cleaning out all the things that were keeping me apart from Him, all the things that were keeping me chained and bound to my past, to my sin, and to my isolation. He then began to speak love into my heart. It wasn't easy for me to receive, and it was mostly rejected, but there were little beams of His love peering through the clouds of my heart. Then 2 years later, after I had moved to Jersey, God placed a woman in my life who had been through things similar to mine, and as she talked about her story, I heard words similar to my own. In someways I wondered if she was me from the future(not really). She began to pour into me and show me things about myself that I never knew and never believed possible. We sat down in her office one snowy Sunday evening and she prayed with me. She asked God to reveal the root of my inability to receive love into my heart. God being who He is was more than happy to oblige her request and He took me to the moment where the lie that I was unlovable first began to grow. He then spoke His Truth over that moment, and helped me to see my worth. I could give you all the platitudes about our worth, and they would be true, but you have probably heard them a thousand times, so I won't waste the space. Plus, if you feel as I did, you don't believe they apply to you anyways, so why bother? I will just say, that night I knew, and every moment since that evening, I have never doubted that God loved me.
I am writing this tonight not because I want to rehash and remember these things, and not because I want to share. Trust me, neither of these things are true, and if you know me at all, I actually hate talking about my past and my life and struggles. I share these things with you, because I know that I am not the only one with these doubts and feelings. I am not the only 20 something year old who feels unloved, unworthy, and like she has to earn everyone's love. I want to let you know that there is freedom from those thoughts. There is freedom from the fears that you will be forever alone. God wishes that everyone be free from the law of sin and death. In order for that to happen, there will be a cost. It will cost you the chains that have become comfortable, it will cost you the patterns that have become familiar, and it will cost you your independence. But as a survivor of this transformation, it is well worth the cost!!! If you are in any way feeling as I felt, or just have questions feel free to reach out to me at crucibleandcrown@gmail.com
I hope and pray that at least some part of my story touched your heart and at least made you think about your own circumstances. Stay tuned as I begin to share my journey as a small town country girl from Virginia who unintentionally (on my part) became a missionary living in the heart of the city of Elizabeth, New Jersey.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Joseph
I'm working on a lesson for my kids for Sunday, and I was originally going to skip from Abraham to David, but I saw a craft for Joseph, and there was a check in my spirit not to skip over him. But I think it might be more for me and what I need to learn from him then what the kids need to learn from him. A friend had posted a blog about Abba... Daddy. God is our daddy! He is there for us when we fall, and when we hurt, He's still right there. He allows us our decisions and He allows things to happen to us that we don't understand, that we feel aren't fair, and that HURT US!!! Some of you know what my life has looked like the last few months, and I'm hurting! I ache emotionally daily. Some of this is due to things that have been done to me, but a lot of this pain is coming from decisions that I have made. These decisions have cut me off from those around me that would have loved me and helped me work through my pain. Instead I chose for many years to hold all that should have been worked out inside me. I have reached a point that God is helping me release some of this pain, but it's painful. And there has been a significant amount of anger that has worked its way to the surface. Now I am no Joseph! I question, I doubt, I have fear, and I wonder WHY??? I had a screaming match with God (which I lost) and I got into a fight with a pillow (which I won) and just in general am confused and angry. I wonder though how many times Joseph questioned. Scripture doesn't tell us his every thought, word, fear, and question. I think there had to be some of each of those, but what God found important was something completely different than any of these things. God found Joseph's actions to be important! What do we know about Joseph? He was obedient, he stepped out when God told him to, and even when it was hard and it must've seemed like God had forgotten about him, he did all as unto God! I think Joseph did question and wonder, but he knew that his GOD had given him a dream and a purpose and he held fast to that regardless of the circumstances.
I have heard numerous times from numerous people that it's okay to feel angry with God, and it's okay to ask him why! I finally after many many years believe that!!! What's not okay, is disobedience because of that anger! God doesn't call us to perfection, because He knows that outside of Himself that's not possible! He calls us to obedience, to love, and to glorify Him. If these things are accomplished it doesn't matter to Him if we scream at Him, it doesn't matter if we doubt, it doesn't even matter if we feel like He's forgotten us!!!!! God is our Abba, and He is perfect, and He can handle our fears, and doubts! He lifts us above them, and if we express them He helps us work them out and He loves us and holds us through them! I got for the first time probably in my life a human example of God's arms wrapped around me! After my pillow fight, a lady I know just held me and let me get out all the tears that I could manage. (which were a lot might I add!) This was her showing me God's reaction to my outburst!! And I would encourage each of you, my friends, to reach out to God with your anger, fears, hurts, doubts, and questions. He wants to hold you through them, and who knows that He won't send you a human embodiment of His love! **abrazos**
I have heard numerous times from numerous people that it's okay to feel angry with God, and it's okay to ask him why! I finally after many many years believe that!!! What's not okay, is disobedience because of that anger! God doesn't call us to perfection, because He knows that outside of Himself that's not possible! He calls us to obedience, to love, and to glorify Him. If these things are accomplished it doesn't matter to Him if we scream at Him, it doesn't matter if we doubt, it doesn't even matter if we feel like He's forgotten us!!!!! God is our Abba, and He is perfect, and He can handle our fears, and doubts! He lifts us above them, and if we express them He helps us work them out and He loves us and holds us through them! I got for the first time probably in my life a human example of God's arms wrapped around me! After my pillow fight, a lady I know just held me and let me get out all the tears that I could manage. (which were a lot might I add!) This was her showing me God's reaction to my outburst!! And I would encourage each of you, my friends, to reach out to God with your anger, fears, hurts, doubts, and questions. He wants to hold you through them, and who knows that He won't send you a human embodiment of His love! **abrazos**
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