I was tempted to start a brand new blog because I am a brand new person, but then I thought about it and I realized that even though I am a brand new person, I am still me, and this blog name still applies to my life. Actually it applies more now than it ever has in the past. Because of the urging of a great friend of mine, I am going to be sharing my journey through some of the most amazing experiences since God has led me to the mission field in the most unlikeliest places, Elizabeth, New Jersey. Before I start that, let me tell you a little bit about me, and this post may be a little bit long, but if you stick with it, I pray God will speak through me.
I grew up in a great family. We had issues sure, but it was a great family! I got to be involved in pretty much anything I wanted. I can remember Tuesday nights at the skating rink, playing football in the back yard with my dad and brother, grilling out, going to the park to play softball, and the list could go on and on. There was one thing that marred the greatness that was my life. I didn't trust anyone, and then God helped me learn to trust Him which is a story I can tell on a different day. This step began a series of events in my life that lead to me learning in small ways to trust people. But even at that, I didn't trust easily, and I worked hard to keep people out of my heart. I was more than happy to step in and be there for anyone, but I didn't want anyone to be there for me. I was independent, self-sufficient, and quite frankly I was happy that way. I couldn't get hurt.
I lived that way for years. I was 12 when I learned to trust God and it wasn't until I was 26 that God took me to the next step. I had reached an apex in my relationship with God, and no matter what I did, I couldn't grow closer to God. I would hit it, fall back, and grow again only to reach that same level and fall back again. So I prayed and asked God to help me reach new levels with Him. Let me throw a little disclaimer in here. IF YOU PRAY THIS IT WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU EVER DO! IT ALSO WILL BE THE BEST! God answers the prayers of people who are honestly seeking Him, and in order to reach new levels, God has to get the things out of your life that hinder growth.
For me these things started with my trust issues. So using a roommate and dear friend God lead me to start counseling. I never thought it would do anything for me, and now I'm more than ever convinced that every person should be in either counseling or mentoring or some such thing. We can not fix ourselves no matter how hard we try. We need each other, if you don't believe me, even God says so "as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another" Proverbs 27:17. Sometimes it is because of other people that our flaws come out of hiding, but back to me and my journey. Through my conversations in counseling God began to show me how that my carefully constructed walls were not only keeping other people out, they were keeping Him out. So He lead me to break down those walls around my heart that I had literally spent my entire life building up. I will tell you, this was the most painful experience of my life. 26 years of pain held inside of my heart and never dealt with came flowing out. But God is faithful. I will interject again. No matter where you are, God is faithful, loving, and He is right there with you! No matter what you are going through He is holding you.
I am going to change directions a little bit, but I will tie it together. I had this picture of God and my relationship and it was incorrect in every way possible. I believed that God had saved me only because He promised He would in His Word. I was the unwanted child that had to earn any scrap of love that I received. I knew that He saved me but I couldn't believe that He loved me. I became the perpetually happy, helpful, one who never said no to anything that I was asked to do. It became an obsession. I couldn't be anything but perfect, and could never do anything that someone might be displeased with, because if I wasn't perfect then people would walk away from me. It was another reason to put walls up because if people knew that I wasn't perfect they wouldn't want anything to do with me. My trust issues fed my love issues, and my love issues fed my trust issues. It was a hideous cycle that worsened as time passed. And both issues had to be dealt with before I could really be used as God wanted to use me. God let me know in no uncertain terms that the things He had for me and the things I wanted could never be realized until I began to trust Him and feel His love.
As God began to open my old wounds and heal them, I began to open up to others in my life. I would not have survived this time in my life had it not been for the people that God placed in my life to support me. Looking back, I can't imagine being my friend through this process. I was in so much pain that I didn't even want to be around people. I spent the most part of three months either in bed, locked in my room, or watching netflix and working on puzzles. However, there were people that loved me regardless. They climbed in bed with me, broke into my room, watched netflix and worked on puzzles with me, and sometimes even forced me to get out of the apartment and do something. There were unfortunately some people in my life that I hurt irreparably, and I hate that, but I realize that in order for me to become who I needed to be, certain relationships had to either change significantly or end. This is still hard for me to share, especially because one specific friendship was one I thought would last forever. However, the changes in me were too much for that friendship to withstand. God is faithful regardless, and I believe that He is molding both of us into better women even if that is not as friends as long as we stick with Him.
I know it seems like I'm all over the place and don't seem to be cohesive, but I promise I am coming to a close. After the first initial rush of pain and emotional infection was taken care of, I began to see how that God was healing me. He was cleaning out all the things that were keeping me apart from Him, all the things that were keeping me chained and bound to my past, to my sin, and to my isolation. He then began to speak love into my heart. It wasn't easy for me to receive, and it was mostly rejected, but there were little beams of His love peering through the clouds of my heart. Then 2 years later, after I had moved to Jersey, God placed a woman in my life who had been through things similar to mine, and as she talked about her story, I heard words similar to my own. In someways I wondered if she was me from the future(not really). She began to pour into me and show me things about myself that I never knew and never believed possible. We sat down in her office one snowy Sunday evening and she prayed with me. She asked God to reveal the root of my inability to receive love into my heart. God being who He is was more than happy to oblige her request and He took me to the moment where the lie that I was unlovable first began to grow. He then spoke His Truth over that moment, and helped me to see my worth. I could give you all the platitudes about our worth, and they would be true, but you have probably heard them a thousand times, so I won't waste the space. Plus, if you feel as I did, you don't believe they apply to you anyways, so why bother? I will just say, that night I knew, and every moment since that evening, I have never doubted that God loved me.
I am writing this tonight not because I want to rehash and remember these things, and not because I want to share. Trust me, neither of these things are true, and if you know me at all, I actually hate talking about my past and my life and struggles. I share these things with you, because I know that I am not the only one with these doubts and feelings. I am not the only 20 something year old who feels unloved, unworthy, and like she has to earn everyone's love. I want to let you know that there is freedom from those thoughts. There is freedom from the fears that you will be forever alone. God wishes that everyone be free from the law of sin and death. In order for that to happen, there will be a cost. It will cost you the chains that have become comfortable, it will cost you the patterns that have become familiar, and it will cost you your independence. But as a survivor of this transformation, it is well worth the cost!!! If you are in any way feeling as I felt, or just have questions feel free to reach out to me at crucibleandcrown@gmail.com
I hope and pray that at least some part of my story touched your heart and at least made you think about your own circumstances. Stay tuned as I begin to share my journey as a small town country girl from Virginia who unintentionally (on my part) became a missionary living in the heart of the city of Elizabeth, New Jersey.
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