I'm realizing just how truly heartbreaking that life is. This world that we live in is hard, it's painful, and it stinks. Whether it's the heartbreak of a broken dream, or the heartbreak of a broken life, it doesn't change that it hurts. Most people think (and I was one of them) that the heartbreak of one person is more or less heartbreaking than another based on the severity of the situation, and in some aspects I guess that is true, but I am beginning to think that heart break is heart break. I see some of the most heartbreaking of situations every day. A child who is so neglected that she resorts to cutting herself and contemplates suicide, the prostitute with a limp so severe who talks to herself because she is so alone in this world, the drug addict who can't face the world without pharmaceutical help, the refugee doctor and family who has had to flee everything and everyone they knew and now can't even get a job as a janitor to support his family, and these are just 4 stories out of so many. And yes they are hard, heartbreaking stories. It is difficult to live in and among these stories, and I do, these people that I have mentioned are my neighbors. All but one of them live in my building. I see these faces on a daily basis and am reminded of their heartbreak, but I am also reminded of my own. Does being around these people make me hurt any less about broken friendships that i have in my own life, or the fact that I long to get married but am still single? Does it make me not cry myself to sleep sometimes? No it doesn't. My heartbreak isn't any less real just because the circumstances aren't life threatening. The tears I shed in grief over a lost friend are still tears of grief. We each face our own heartbreak, because that is life. We live in this sinful fallen world, and even those of us that are in relationship with Father God still face heartbreak.
I used to beat myself up (anyone who knows me is probably not surprised by this admission! :)). I thought that because I'm not living in one of the aforementioned scenarios that I shouldn't feel grief, that I should be able to just look at my circumstances and compare them to others and that should make me feel better. But we lie to ourselves when we do this. Grief is different for everyone. Some people wouldn't grieve a broken friendship, they would simply shrug it off and move on, I've seen it happen. Does that mean that I'm not allowed to grieve, that my feelings are less valid?
Something else I have learned though, is to smile through my heartbreak. Not a fake smile meant to hide or mask my pain, but a smile because I know that I have someOne bigger than the circumstances I face on my side. I remember one night, I went to one of our ladies' nights at the mission, and I was miserable. I had had a horrible week, I was fighting with someone very dear to me, and I couldn't figure out which way was up. But one of the ladies said to me, "you are always smiling, I wish I could be that way" And I said to her, "it's all God. Because right now I want to be home curled up in my bed pretending like the world doesn't exist." Every part of what I said to her was true. I have nothing in me, I am a broken hearted, struggling child of God who has to allow her Father to pick her up, dust her off, and heal her hurts. We each have our own hurts, and sometimes the intensity of those hurts changes, but the thing that we need to remember is that God never leaves us nor forsakes us, and that He loves us.
Many people say the things I do with the mission are great, and I enjoy them, but ultimately, they are nothing. They are things I do in order to show my Father that I love Him, and hopefully in some small incomparable way to let the Father's love show through me. My goal in this life is to allow myself to be as God created me to be, because as a friend of mine continues to remind me, I am awesome because God created me. As each one of us realize this truth, God can work through us in bigger ways than we ever could have dreamed!
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