We will remember...

9/11... a date, just like any other.  But now it no longer is just a date.  It now evokes intense emotion. We have all been affected by it, everything that we do has been changed because of September 11, 2001.  I remember that day.  I was a junior in high school, sitting in study hall.  We heard the announcement over the loud speaker that something was going on but it was very uncertain as to what exactly.  We turned on the news and were watching as the second plane hit the towers and we all realized it was more than just an accident.  Then we watched as the towers collapsed.  We were all shocked and dismayed, uncertain what to think and how to feel.  As the day went on, the shock continued to grow as the details came out.  We learned about the Pentagon, and then realized that some of us knew people that worked at the Pentagon and who hadn't been heard from.
We have all remembered where we were, and what we were doing and how we felt when reality sunk in about that day.  That's not really what I want to discuss.  Our reaction as a nation after September 11 was natural.  "We will rebuild, they will not break our spirit, we will come back stronger."  Unfortunately, this was not the reaction that we needed to have.  This event was designed to bring us as a nation to our knees before a benevolent and merciful but just Heavenly Father.  But our response was one of self sufficiency.  We stated over and over again by our actions that we don't need God, even while saying "God bless America".  We felt compelled to prove that we could overcome our enemy, without realizing that our sins were the only enemy we needed to overcome and we couldn't do that alone.
Today, as I was walking to work I passed by a memorial service(there are some pictures below).  It was a service to remember the people that lived in the city of Elizabeth that were killed in the attack.  The entire police force and fire department of the city were there, as well as different members of the city government.  I stayed for about 15 minutes, and it was very nice.  There were many words of remembrance, and there was even a 21 gun salute.  As someone spoke about the people that were lost, yet again there were words of we will be strong we will remember.  As he spoke tears began to stream down my face.  I wasn't the only one crying this morning, but I think my reasons were different.  I was crying not because of my loss, but because of the words that were spoken.
I understand that it's different up here, and that the people here in Elizabeth and others in this area have felt the loss of September 11th in a way that I could never imagine.  This doesn't change where we are headed as a nation.  We have been given opportunity after opportunity to change our ways, to turn back to the God this nation was founded on.  Many people like to teach false history and change the truth, but the truth remains the same, we were a nation founded by people who loved God and even though they may have had their issues, I believe they were men of God.  George Washington even stated in his inaugural address "Since we ought to be no less persuaded that the propitious smiles of Heaven, can never be expected on a nation that disregards the eternal rules of order and right, which Heaven itself has ordained".  Basically he said that we have to know that God's smile would not remain on a nation that turned from His laws and ways.  
We are that nation.  We have turned from God and his ways.  Back in the 60s we told our children it wasn't okay to pray in school, in the 70's we decided to start sacrificing our children on the altar of our convenience and way of life, and to limit the risk of being wordy, I will skip the subsequent decades and skip to a few months ago, when we as a nation decided that same sex marriage was acceptable.  The thing is, it's not just the world that had decided to turn from God's ways. The CHURCH, the body of Christ as decided to turn from His ways.  It seems like every day I am hearing of a new instance of a church leader or institution stating that God's Word is untrue, or at the very least that we don't have to live by it.  And this is the truly heartbreaking thing for me.  We can expect the world to live by their own rules, but we as the church should be living by the ways of the Lord. My heart breaks when I think of how far we have fallen from the Truth.  
But there is good news, because God's Word says "if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sins and heal their land."  God is saying that our whole nation doesn't need to change, but we as the body of Christ needs to turn back to Him, and God will handle the nation.  But the warning also is there, if we do not humble ourselves, we will be humbled.
This is my prayer this 14th year anniversary of September 11, 2001:  That God will move on His people's hearts.  That the people of God will rise up, kneel down, and turn back to the Truth.  We have for too long joined in with the world around us and lived our lives as if the Word of God didn't matter or didn't apply to our lives. 

As always feel free to contact me: crucibleandcrown@gmail.com

BBQ, Baptisms and Babysitting

Every now and then, something so incredible comes along and amazes me.  StreetLight Mission (and the people that are a part of it) has been one of those things for me. It's so easy to get caught up in what it/they/God are teaching me that I forget to look at the amazingly fun times that we have together.
A few weeks ago, we went to a house with a pool, and had a BBQ.  We as a church are a family.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Is it easy? No.  We are all humans and we all have our issues, and sometimes, maybe a lot of times, we are trying to work our issues out, and that means that we rub our rough edges against each other.  But regardless we are family and we had a lot of fun at this BBQ. Everyone brought food, which is ALWAYS a great thing, because we have a variety of amazing cooks at the church.
In the midst of the fun, the food, the swimming, the pastors did a teaching on baptism, and we had a number of people that gave their hearts to the Lord.  It was such a beautiful sight sitting on the side of the pool and watching people praying and asking Jesus to be the Lord and Savior of their life.  Then to follow up, there were somewhere between 10 and 15 people who were baptized.  I can't explain in words the feeling that over came me as I looked around at the people that have become family.  As God has showed me, we are a team.  We are meant to work together in this crazy life, in this crazy world, and in this crazy city to make a difference.  I have seen some of the same people that have come to the Mission for help get the help they need, and then turn around and go back out to the street to bring others in.
Probably one of the most amazing and fun things I get to be a part of is babysitting.  Last weekend, I took an 11 year old girl, who is the foster child of some dear friends of mine.  She and I went to the Jersey Shore.  It was my first time to the Jersey Shore, and both of our first times at Seaside Heights. We took some old tyme photos, played some games, rode some rides, well she rode some rides, I videoed, and to top the experience off, we had Italian ice and french fries for dinner.  They were probably the best french fries I've ever had.  We joked, we laughed, and we learned.
There are these moments when I realize just how much that God is using me.  And I don't say that in pride.  I am humbled at how that God has taken this broken, screwed up woman and placed me in the perfect place to touch people's lives.  And the great thing is I get to have fun doing it!  I believe God wants this for each of us.  Life is hard, life can be sad, but life is beautiful.  With all its ups and downs, its laughter and tears, its positives and negatives, it's beautiful.  I have been accused of being able to find beauty in anything, and I can't deny that to be true.
I will leave  you with this thought/question and I would love to hear your responses either here, on Facebook, or to my email crucibleandcrown@gmail.com:  How is God using you and what beauty can you find in your daily lives?

The Mission

Hey friends! I just got home from a crazy day which ended with "deditos de queso" which are these amazing Colombian treats... If you've never had them, try them if you can! I hope everyone is doing well this hot (at least in Jersey) August night.  I'm sure some of you have probably asked yourself "she said she's going to tell us about her work with the mission, so when?" Tonight is the night!!

StreetLight Mission is not much to look at. I wasn't even sure I was in the right place the first time I went there. StreetLight is in a converted garage, and one of our most used phrases is "technical difficulties".  But as 3700+ people(last year alone) can tell you, we do a lot out of the space God has given to us.  That's right, out of a little converted mechanic's garage the mission gave basic life services to over 3700 people.  But what is so much MORE important is that 3700+ people saw the love of God. They may not have fully recognized it because of their state of mind, but they saw the love of Jesus!

Some of you may not understand, because of where you are from, exactly what I mean by "basic life services'' so I willtry to explain. Basic life services means the things that we need to survive, and have some kind of function in society.  Food to eat, clothes to wear, and even some times a roof over our heads.  Those of us that have never had to do without these things, can not fully understand what it's like to truly be hungry, or to wear the same clothes for weeks on end without being able to wash them because you don't have another set, nor do you have access to a washer and dryer.  We can't understand what it's like to live outside in the rain, sun, heat, cold, and snow.  So what StreetLight tries to do is help with those things.  Once we can get these basic needs taken care of, then we can focus on their spiritual needs.

Every week at StreetLight, there is a clothes give away day, there is a food pantry, and during the winter, we partner with another organization to house homeless men for the night so that they don't freeze on the streets.  One of the things I love most about how StreetLight functions, is that at every level, they are focused on changing lives.  One new initiative that is in place for the upcoming months is that all people who get food from our pantry are going to be required to meet with a life coach.  This life coach's job is to figure out why they need food, then help them with that need.  The point is not a hand out, but a person can't change their life if they are worried about feeding their children.

After we have met the most basic of needs, then we build on the relationship that we have started with them and figure out what other ways we can help them.  If they need IDs, we can help them get one.  If they need jobs, we will do what we can and use our resources to help them find one.  If they are drug addicts and want to get clean, we can help them get into a rehab program.  If they are in recovery from addiction, we have a weekly recovery meeting.  There are so many things that get done during the day while I'm at work that I don't know about, but I do know that every time I go to the mission on my lunch break, there is a bustle of activity and people trying to help those that come through the door.  On top of the things that are done during the day, there is a monthly girl's night, and a monthly ladies night.  Also we do a children's VBS in the summer, send children to summer camp, a Christmas party for our guests, Thanksgiving food drive, and so many more things!

All of these actions are in place so that we can help people.  We cannot force anyone to change their life, and there are some people that walk through our doors, get the hand outs, and walk out without ever desiring to change.  When I get tired because it seems like there are more of the people interested in a hand out than in changing, God brings to my mind the parable of the sower.  He threw the seed out but where it landed wasn't his doing.  His job was not to figure out exactly where the good soil was and plant there, his job was to throw the seed and let it land where it may.  I believe that we at the mission are doing the same thing.  We are called to be obedient and to throw the seeds of God's love out to Elizabeth New Jersey and let it grow where it may.  I think all of us at the mission sometimes wished for a bigger harvest for all the work we put in (I don't get to work there as much as I like, because of my job).  But I know for me, and I think for others as well all the hard work is worth it when we see the young mother who just got out of an abusive relationship, who is addicted to a myriad of drugs sobbing and honestly talking about rehab for the first time in her life.  Or to see the tough street wise woman who rarely smiles begin to come to ladies nights and call you smiley and actually being to reciprocate your smiles!  And really I could continue with these stories, but for the sake of your time I won't!

The last piece of the puzzle of changing lives is the one where I am most hands on, StreetLight Church.  About a year ago, the pastors felt that God was leading the church in a different direction, so they closed down the service.  They took a few months to seek God for exactly how He wanted things to look and they started anew.  Our church is small, but it is growing.  I'm not necessarily talking about numbers, even though there has been some of that, I'm talking about personal and spiritual growth.  I don't think there is one person in our church who is the same as when they walked in the first time.  I know I'm not!!  God is speaking and moving.  He is taking people who are earnestly seeking Him and He's teaching us.  When I hear the questions that people ask, I am challenged.  We are all growing together, and that's what we are called to in Scripture.

I know that I just kind of hit the high points, and there are many things that I missed, because I didn't want to take up 100 pages with the services we provide and stories of the people that have become a part of my heart!  If you have any questions about the mission or are interested in getting involved, reach out to me crucibleandcrown@gmail.com.

If my people...

There is something that's been on my heart as of late, and I am hesitant to even post it because it's kind of harsh, but I believe this morning the Lord has placed it on my heart specifically so I could write it.  I know many people are coming out on Facebook and other social media and are seemingly disgusted by the ways of our country.  We as a nation have legalized same sex marriage, and we as a nation are supporting a company that sells aborted babies' parts.  The outcry in Christian circles has been tremendous.
My question is this: what are we as believers in Christ doing to change our nation?  Are we speaking out against these evils?  Are we supporting pregnancy centers and hope centers that give mothers options?  Are we contacting our Congressmen to tell them what we think?  Are we giving a public outcry on Facebook, Twitter, etc?  Are we merely grumbling but taking no action?  What are we doing to change our nation?  If you are someone who is doing these things, GREAT!!!  None of these actions are incorrect (except the grumbling one I guess).  It is important to speak out, to others, to Congressmen, to publicly share your disapproval, it is important to give expectant mothers another option.  But are these things alone going to change our nation?
I believe that a time of great shaking is coming to this nation.  The warning signs have been showing for years, but we have chosen to ignore them.  Instead of allowing these warnings to drive us into the arms of God, we as a nation have shaken our fist and said WE WILL FIX IT!  WE will do what needs done to change our nation.  WE will fight against those that are attacking us.  As a nation, we have more rapidly turned from the things of God than even seems possible.  These warnings that our Merciful Father in Heaven have given us have driven us straight into the arms of the enemy.  And lest we as believers shake our heads at the "heathens" in this nation, it's the church's fault.  (Before you stop reading take a moment and ask God to open your eyes to the truth.  As in all things that I write, I ask that you will pray to God to show you the truth.)
Let me explain what I mean when I say it's the church's fault.  We as believers in Christ have become so caught up in appearances that we have turned from the truth.  Instead of "letting our light shine before men," (Matthew 5:16) we have tried to make ourselves look and act a certain way.  I have seen numerous articles about why millennials are leaving the church, and to be brutally honest, I had even thought about walking away myself for a while, not from God but from the church. I didn't because I saw the importance in Scripture placed on meeting together.  I believe the reason that my generation is leaving the church is because we are sick of white washing.  We grew up seeing our parents generation so busy trying to white wash everything; making the house look good instead of making the house solid.  We grew up with our needs forgotten because we had to appear a certain way, we couldn't let people see our hurts because then they might look down on us, they might judge us.  This is NOT THE WAY OF THE BODY OF CHRIST!!  We in the church have come to a place where we are afraid of what others might think, that we forget about Truth.
The awesome thing about God is that there is HOPE! A Scripture that has been on my mind and heart for months is this: If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves adn pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land (1 Chronicles 7:14).  God is not asking for our nation to completely turn back to Him, He is asking that HIS PEOPLE turn back to Him.  We are the believers, called Christians, we are called by HIS NAME.  If we humble ourselves and pray and seek His face and turn from our wicked ways.  We as believers, as Christians, need to step up to the plate, and realize our fault in the evils of our nation.  We have allowed things to happen, and in many cases we have ACTIVELY participated in the evils of this nation.  We as a church have turned away from God, and as we have gone, so has the nation.  It's not the other way around as much as we would like to believe it to be true.  We have become apathetic and tried to fit in to the world around us instead of being set apart as we are called to in Scripture.  As that happened, we stopped caring about Truth, we stopped caring about the things that truly matter.
So my challenge to each one of you that reads this post is this: RISE UP OH PEOPLE OF GOD!  Rise up and pray!!! Seek the face of God and beg His forgiveness for our sins!


crucibleandcrown@gmail.com

Get togethers and distractions

Sunday after church a group of us decided we were going to go get some Cuban food.  We went in and a number of us ordered Chicharron, but the bakery was out of it.  If you have ever had chicharron, you know that once it gets in your head to have some, nothing else will satisfy you!  We were left bereft.  Someone said "maybe we'll have to buy the stuff and make it at home."  I said why don't we all go over to my house and make it there.  That's just what we did.
I had 11 people in my apartment.  It was amazing!!!  We all had such a wonderful time!  But as I looked around the group of people I was so thankful to God for the variety.  There was a Haitian, a Dominican, a Puerto Rican, a few people that I'm not sure of their background.  There were children as young as 3, and adults as old as 40.  Then there was me, a white country girl, who is not sure what she's doing here in the middle of the inner city of Elizabeth New Jersey.
Last night, a group of us, some of the same people that were in my apartment with some others mixed in went to a Christian music survey.  Just like Sunday, we had a great time! But as we were riding there they were talking about their kids, their backgrounds, their histories, and again, I felt very out of place.  Why would God put a girl in the midst of this place who can not relate to these people?  What is He thinking?  Why am I here?
This morning, I was sitting at my table spending some quiet time with God.  I finished my reading, and prayed a little bit.  I have started after praying just sitting and waiting on the Lord.  Just allowing some time for Him to say what He has to say.  It was silent so after a few minutes I gave up.  I picked up my phone and was playing on it.  Then very clearly in my head I heard Him say "Put away your phone."  I ignored it, so again "Put away your phone."  This time I listened.  Begrudgingly I sat there listening.  "Daughter, I love you, but you are so easily distracted.  Your head is turned so quickly.  I have made you a multitasker, but you try to multitask EVERYTHING! You can't multitask in your relationship with me."  I apologized for trying to rush Him, then He said this: "You ask yourself why you are here.  You ask why I have placed you in the middle of the inner city, where you feel you have nothing in common with the people around you.  But you don't see what I see, you don't see how you affect the people around you.  You have things in common with them, but you escaped much of the heartache they have dealt with, because of where they live.  You need to seek out those things that you do have in common instead of seeing the things you don't have in common.  My heart beats for you just like it beats for you.  My love pours out on them just like it does on you.  You share many of the same struggles with identity and with following me.  Where ever you go, you are to be a light for Me, a light that shines bright, and regardless of you being able to relate to them, I will use you!"
I then saw a video from Jonathan Cahn that so impacted me, and he said some of the same things about being in God's will, and being a light to the people around me.  I am going to share the youtube address for it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgYZlPAJHv0
We are not called to do what we think is the right thing, we are called to what God says is the right thing!  So I pray daily that as I walk through this crazy life that God has placed before me that He will lead me and that He will strengthen me to be what He wants me to be!

As always if you want more information or need prayer or to talk: crucibleandcrown@gmail.com

Focus

I'm going to start this blog by some lyrics from a song: "this world is spinning faster into a new disaster"  These are lyrics from a secular song, but the lyrics are true, and I think it's interesting that even non believers see it.  It seems like every week there's a new disaster, and the love of many has grown cold, just like it talks about in Scripture.  My heart breaks when I look around at the choices that we as a nation are making! Every day/week we are running further and further from the Truth.  It is impossible to be alive and not be bombarded with the sorrow.

Even on a personal level, so many people I know are bombarded with sorrow, and trials.  In my own life, loneliness and chaos seem to reign especially as of late.  I know I'm not the first missionary to struggle with loneliness.  How can a person pick up everything they own, leave everything and everyone they know, and not have moments of loneliness?  God has gifted me with some amazing people in my life here in New Jersey, and I can't thank God enough for them!  However, I miss my family, and get a little tired of worrying about bothering the people up here.  My thoughts are as follows:  My friends up here have their own lives, their own families, and the last thing they need is me hanging around all the time.  Where does that leave me?  That leaves me alone, a lot.  

I'm not telling you this so that you will feel sorry for me, or anything of the sort, but I tell you this because of what it is teaching me.  It is so easy for me to be overwhelmed with loneliness, and with the struggle to keep doing what God has asked me to do in spite of being alone much of the time.  In the same way, in the chaos of life in these days, it is so easy for us to become overwhelmed with our own individual struggles.  

I was having one of those days when I was overwhelmed and a dear friend could tell that I was upset so she sat me down and got me to talk about what was going on.  After I shared with her, she said to me, the first thing we need to remember is that we live in the last days, things are getting more and more evil by the day.  Next she asked me where is your focus.  So this is the question I will post to you.  Where is your focus?  I mean this sincerely, I am not asking this as a cliche question.  I would ask that each one of you that is reading this right now will stop and search your heart.  I also think that this isn't a once in a while question.  I think this is a daily and sometimes hourly question that we need to ask ourselves.  Where is your focus?  Is your focus on Christ our Savior, Redeemer or is it on the storm around you?  Are you looking up at Him or are you looking at yourself in self pity, or are you looking at the circumstances around you?
As humans it is so easy for us to lose track of our anchor because we let go of Him.  We get tossed around by the chaos of life because we reach for other things and forget that once we let go of the One who holds us in place, we are nothing but a buoy in a hurricane.  It is necessary for each one of us to fix our eyes on Christ, in order to survive.  The good thing is that once we re-affix our focus on God above, He grabs hold of us again.  Just like Peter when he was walking on the water, we aren't left to drown.  Jesus didn't come over to Peter and say "you get what you deserved, you didn't focus on me the whole time so now I'm going to let you sink."  No, He reached out and pulled Peter out of the water and lifted him back to where Peter would survive.  He does the same thing for us!
I started this entry with a line from a song, and I will end it with a line from another song, one that is designed to give us hope! "Let go my soul and trust in Him, the wind and waves still know His name".


I'm going to start attaching my email address to every entry.  If you need prayer, or have questions, or just need someone to talk to, email me.  God has given us each other to get through this life, and even if I don't know you, if you need a friend, please reach out to me! I love and pray for each person that reads this.  Crucibleandcrown@gmail.com 

Heartbreak and smiles

I'm realizing just how truly heartbreaking that life is.  This world that we live in is hard, it's painful, and it stinks.  Whether it's the heartbreak of a broken dream, or the heartbreak of a broken life, it doesn't change that it hurts.  Most people think (and I was one of them) that the heartbreak of one person is more or less heartbreaking than another based on the severity of the situation, and in some aspects I guess that is true, but I am beginning to think that heart break is heart break.  I see some of the most heartbreaking of situations every day.  A child who is so neglected that she resorts to cutting herself and contemplates suicide, the prostitute with a limp so severe who talks to herself because she is so alone in this world, the drug addict who can't face the world without pharmaceutical help, the refugee doctor and family who has had to flee everything and everyone they knew and now can't even get a job as a janitor to support his family, and these are just 4 stories out of so many.  And yes they are hard, heartbreaking stories.  It is difficult to live in and among these stories, and I do, these people that I have mentioned are my neighbors.  All but one of them live in my building.  I see these faces on a daily basis and am reminded of their heartbreak, but I am also reminded of my own.  Does being around these people make me hurt any less about broken friendships that i have in my own life, or the fact that I long to get married but am still single?  Does it make me not cry myself to sleep sometimes? No it doesn't.  My heartbreak isn't any less real just because the circumstances aren't life threatening.  The tears I shed in grief over a lost friend are still tears of grief.  We each face our own heartbreak, because that is life.  We live in this sinful fallen world, and even those of us that are in relationship with Father God still face heartbreak.
I used to beat myself up (anyone who knows me is probably not surprised by this admission! :)). I thought that because I'm not living in one of the aforementioned scenarios that I shouldn't feel grief, that I should be able to just look at my circumstances and compare them to others and that should make me feel better.  But we lie to ourselves when we do this.  Grief is different for everyone.  Some people wouldn't grieve a broken friendship, they would simply shrug it off and move on, I've seen it happen.  Does that mean that I'm not allowed to grieve, that my feelings are less valid?
Something else I have learned though, is to smile through my heartbreak.  Not a fake smile meant to hide or mask my pain, but a smile because I know that I have someOne bigger than the circumstances I face on my side.  I remember one night, I went to one of our ladies' nights at the mission, and I was miserable.  I had had a horrible week, I was fighting with someone very dear to me, and I couldn't figure out which way was up.  But one of the ladies said to me, "you are always smiling, I wish I could be that way"  And I said to her, "it's all God.  Because right now I want to be home curled up in my bed pretending like the world doesn't exist." Every part of what I said to her was true.  I have nothing in me, I am a broken hearted, struggling child of God who has to allow her Father to pick her up, dust her off, and heal her hurts.  We each have our own hurts, and sometimes the intensity of those hurts changes, but the thing that we need to remember is that God never leaves us nor forsakes us, and that He loves us.
Many people say the things I do with the mission are great, and I enjoy them, but ultimately, they are nothing. They are things I do in order to show my Father that I love Him, and hopefully in some small incomparable way to let the Father's love show through me.  My goal in this life is to allow myself to be as God created me to be, because as a friend of mine continues to remind me, I am awesome because God created me.  As each one of us realize this truth, God can work through us in bigger ways than we ever could have dreamed!