Jersey Girl??

So if I heard it once I heard it a hundred times... "You are moving to Jersey?"  Or "you ONLY have to stay 18 months"... But I packed up.  Actually I packed up and moved in 3 weeks without having any clue where I was going to live when I got up to New Jersey.  My friends and me drove up in a Uhaul, and checked into our hotel.  My father spent all day calling places and I had just about given up.  Then one last time I jumped on Craig's list, and there it was.  A perfect place.  It was a two bedroom, but it was right in my price range.  I called the land lord and set up a meet, and a half hour later we met at the apartment and I fell in love.  It was everything I ever wanted in a city apartment.  There was some back and forth, and it didn't look like I was going to get it because of some paperwork, but it came through.  So the next day, we were working on moving my things into my new place, and it was going very slowly.  I was desperate... and then 3 men walked by and asked if I needed help.  DISCLAIMER: if you move to New Jersey, DON'T allow random guys to help you move in.  But in this case, God protected me AND sent me helpers when I didn't have any other options.  They got all my stuff moved in and furniture put together in about an hour.  I gave them each some money, and they left.  What ended up happening was that I had made my first 3 friends in Jersey... Now yes they were felons living in the half way house down the street, but I knew they had my back, and that's still true 14 months later.
Next step in the awesomeness that is God, my pastor's wife from Virginia, had posted on Facebook that I needed a church home, and through the connections that they have, I was contacted by someone, who gave me the name of a church and a pastor.  So the day after I moved in to my new place, I walked the half mile to this church.  Streetlight Mission was not at all what I expected, and as I'm walking up to the building (very uncertainly I might add) and there stood this man.  He comes up to me and says "are you looking for the church?"  "Yes, I think so... I'm looking for Karen" "Yeah that's my wife!"  He brings me into the church and introduces me to her.  She brought me into the mission and gave me a piece of paper to write down my contact information.  She walked away, and another lady walks up and asked me if I was finished and if I wanted to get started.  I was very confused at this point but I said sure and followed her to another room.  Patty thought I was a volunteer at the mission, so she put me to work.  I realized very quickly that this wasn't church as I knew church.  We laugh now at the mistake, but without that mistake I know my life wouldn't be what it is...
I so fell in love with the mission in that first Sunday that I couldn't not go back.  I began to spend more and more time at the mission.  The mission has become such a huge part of my life... For the first time in my life I feel alive!  I feel like the purpose placed in me by God is being fulfilled.  Even my friends back home in Virginia comment on the difference in me.  People say they can see the difference on my face, and hear it in my voice.  I am getting to spend my time with the most broken in our society, the ones that most people would rather forget, and I see their stories.  I see their joys, their sorrows, and their struggles.  I have even picked up a nickname from some of the ladies at our ladies nights, "smiley".  This isn't just something that happens.  Just like with any group, you get a nickname when they feel that you are a part of the group, when you have connected with them on some level.
A few weeks back, I went home for my grandfather's funeral.  It was good to go home and see my family, because I miss them bunches, but I couldn't wait to get back HOME to Jersey.  That shocks a lot of people, and in some ways it shocked me when I realized it. But as I thought about it, this is where my heart is, this is where my life is, at least for now.  I believe Elizabeth is just a season in my life, but for now this is home.  Yes, Virginia will always be in part home, because it's where I'm from, and it's where my family is, but I don't think that I have one place that will always feel like home.  My best friend growing up always said I had a gypsy spirit, and I agree, I am planted where God has me, but I also know that He may uproot me and plant me elsewhere, and I'm okay with that.
So to finish up and answer my own question... Yes (even if only temporarily) I AM A JERSEY GIRL!  <3 p="">

God is God is God is God

I was tempted to start a brand new blog because I am a brand new person, but then I thought about it and I realized that even though I am a brand new person, I am still me, and this blog name still applies to my life. Actually it applies more now than it ever has in the past.  Because of the urging of a great friend of mine, I am going to be sharing my journey through some of the most amazing experiences since God has led me to the mission field in the most unlikeliest places, Elizabeth, New Jersey.  Before I start that, let me tell you a little bit about me, and this post may be a little bit long, but if you stick with it, I pray God will speak through me.

I grew up in a great family.  We had issues sure, but it was a great family!  I got to be involved in pretty much anything I wanted.  I can remember Tuesday nights at the skating rink, playing football in the back yard with my dad and brother, grilling out, going to the park to play softball, and the list could go on and on.  There was one thing that marred the greatness that was my life.  I didn't trust anyone, and then God helped me learn to trust Him which is a story I can tell on a different day.  This step began a series of events in my life that lead to me learning in small ways to trust people.  But even at that, I didn't trust easily, and I worked hard to keep people out of my heart.  I was more than happy to step in and be there for anyone, but I didn't want anyone to be there for me.  I was independent, self-sufficient, and quite frankly I was happy that way. I couldn't get hurt.

I lived that way for years.  I was 12 when I learned to trust God and it wasn't until I was 26 that God took me to the next step.  I had reached an apex in my relationship with God, and no matter what I did, I couldn't grow closer to God.  I would hit it, fall back, and grow again only to reach that same level and fall back again.  So I prayed and asked God to help me reach new levels with Him.  Let me throw a little disclaimer in here.  IF YOU PRAY THIS IT WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU EVER DO! IT ALSO WILL BE THE BEST!  God answers the prayers of people who are honestly seeking Him, and in order to reach new levels, God has to get the things out of your life that hinder growth.

For me these things started with my trust issues.    So using a roommate and dear friend God lead me to start counseling.  I never thought it would do anything for me, and now I'm more than ever convinced that every person should be in either counseling or mentoring or some such thing.  We can not fix ourselves no matter how hard we try.  We need each other, if you don't believe me, even God says so "as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another" Proverbs 27:17.  Sometimes it is because of other people that our flaws come out of hiding, but back to me and my journey.  Through my conversations in counseling God began to show me how that my carefully constructed walls were not only keeping other people out, they were keeping Him out.  So He lead me to break down those walls around my heart that I had literally spent my entire life building up.  I will tell you, this was the most painful experience of my life.  26 years of pain held inside of my heart and never dealt with came flowing out.  But God is faithful.  I will interject again.  No matter where you are, God is faithful, loving, and He is right there with you!  No matter what you are going through He is holding you.

I am going to change directions a little bit, but I will tie it together.  I had this picture of God and my relationship and it was incorrect in every way possible.   I believed that God had saved me only because He promised He would in His Word.  I was the unwanted child that had to earn any scrap of love that I received.  I knew that He saved me but I couldn't believe that He loved me. I became the perpetually happy, helpful, one who never said no to anything that I was asked to do.  It became an obsession.  I couldn't be anything but perfect, and could never do anything that someone might be displeased with, because if I wasn't perfect then people would walk away from me.  It was another reason to put walls up because if people knew that I wasn't perfect they wouldn't want anything to do with me.  My trust issues fed my love issues, and my love issues fed my trust issues.  It was a hideous cycle that worsened as time passed.  And both issues had to be dealt with before I could really be used as God wanted to use me.  God let me know in no uncertain terms that the things He had for me and the things I wanted could never be realized until I began to trust Him and feel His love.

As God began to open my old wounds and heal them, I began to open up to others in my life.  I would not have survived this time in my life had it not been for the people that God placed in my life to support me. Looking back, I can't imagine being my friend through this process.  I was in so much pain that I didn't even want to be around people.  I spent the most part of three months either in bed, locked in my room, or watching netflix and working on puzzles.  However, there were people that loved me regardless.  They climbed in bed with me, broke into my room, watched netflix and worked on puzzles with me, and sometimes even forced me to get out of the apartment and do something.  There were unfortunately some people in my life that I hurt irreparably, and I hate that, but I realize that in order for me to become who I needed to be, certain relationships had to either change significantly or end.  This is still hard for me to share, especially because one specific friendship was one I thought would last forever. However, the changes in me were too much for that friendship to withstand.  God is faithful regardless, and I believe that He is molding both of us into better women even if that is not as friends as long as we stick with Him.

I know it seems like I'm all over the place and don't seem to be cohesive, but I promise I am coming to a close.  After the first initial rush of pain and emotional infection was taken care of, I began to see how that God was healing me.  He was cleaning out all the things that were keeping me apart from Him, all the things that were keeping me chained and bound to my past, to my sin, and to my isolation.  He then began to speak love into my heart.  It wasn't easy for me to receive, and it was mostly rejected, but there were little beams of His love peering through the clouds of my heart.  Then 2 years later, after I had moved to Jersey, God placed a woman in my life who had been through things similar to mine, and as she talked about her story, I heard words similar to my own.  In someways I wondered if she was me from the future(not really).  She began to pour into me and show me things about myself that I never knew and never believed possible.  We sat down in her office one snowy Sunday evening and she prayed with me.  She asked God to reveal the root of my inability to receive love into my heart.  God being who He is was more than happy to oblige her request and He took me to the moment where the lie that I was unlovable first began to grow.  He then spoke His Truth over that moment, and helped me to see my worth.  I could give you all the platitudes about our worth, and they would be true, but you have probably heard them a thousand times, so I won't waste the space.  Plus, if you feel as I did, you don't believe they apply to you anyways, so why bother?  I will just say, that night I knew, and every moment since that evening, I have never doubted that God loved me.

I am writing this tonight not because I want to rehash and remember these things, and not because I want to share.  Trust me, neither of these things are true, and if you know me at all, I actually hate talking about my past and my life and struggles.  I share these things with you, because I know that I am not the only one with these doubts and feelings.  I am not the only 20 something year old who feels unloved, unworthy, and like she has to earn everyone's love.  I want to let you know that there is freedom from those thoughts.  There is freedom from the fears that you will be forever alone.  God wishes that everyone be free from the law of sin and death.  In order for that to happen, there will be a cost.  It will cost you the chains that have become comfortable, it will cost you the patterns that have become familiar, and it will cost you your independence.  But as a survivor of this transformation, it is well worth the cost!!!  If you are in any way feeling as I felt, or just have questions feel free to reach out to me at crucibleandcrown@gmail.com

I hope and pray that at least some part of my story touched your heart and at least made you think about your own circumstances.  Stay tuned as I begin to share my journey as a small town country girl from Virginia who unintentionally (on my part) became a missionary living in the heart of the city of Elizabeth, New Jersey.

Joseph

I'm working on a lesson for my kids for Sunday, and I was originally going to skip from Abraham to David, but I saw a craft for Joseph, and there was a check in my spirit not to skip over him.  But I think it might be more for me and what I need to learn from him then what the kids need to learn from him.  A friend had posted a blog about Abba... Daddy.  God is our daddy!  He is there for us when we fall, and when we hurt, He's still right there.  He allows us our decisions and He allows things to happen to us that we don't understand, that we feel aren't fair, and that HURT US!!! Some of you know what my life has looked like the last few months, and I'm hurting!  I ache emotionally daily.  Some of this is due to things that have been done to me, but a lot of this pain is coming from decisions that I have made.  These decisions have cut me off from those around me that would have loved me and helped me work through my pain.  Instead I chose for many years to hold all that should have been worked out inside me.  I have reached a point that God is helping me release some of this pain, but it's painful.  And there has been a significant amount of anger that has worked its way to the surface.  Now I am no Joseph!  I question, I doubt, I have fear, and I wonder WHY??? I had a screaming match with God (which I lost) and I got into a fight with a pillow (which I won) and just in general am confused and angry.  I wonder though how many times Joseph questioned.  Scripture doesn't tell us his every thought, word, fear, and question.  I think there had to be some of each of those, but what God found important was something completely different than any of these things.  God found Joseph's actions to be important!  What do we know about Joseph?  He was obedient, he stepped out when God told him to, and even when it was hard and it must've seemed like God had forgotten about him, he did all as unto God!  I think Joseph did question and wonder, but he knew that his GOD had given him a dream and a purpose and he held fast to that regardless of the circumstances.

I have heard numerous times from numerous people that it's okay to feel angry with God, and it's okay to ask him why!   I finally after many many years believe that!!! What's not okay, is disobedience because of that anger!  God doesn't call us to perfection, because He knows that outside of Himself that's not possible!  He calls us to obedience, to love, and to glorify Him.  If these things are accomplished it doesn't matter to Him if we scream at Him, it doesn't matter if we doubt, it doesn't even matter if we feel like He's forgotten us!!!!!  God is our Abba, and He is perfect, and He can handle our fears, and doubts!  He lifts us above them, and if we express them He helps us work them out and He loves us and holds us through them!  I got for the first time probably in my life a human example of God's arms wrapped around me!  After my pillow fight, a lady I know just held me and let me get out all the tears that I could manage.  (which were a lot might I add!)  This was her showing me God's reaction to my outburst!!  And I would encourage each of you, my friends, to reach out to God with your anger, fears, hurts, doubts, and questions.  He wants to hold you through them, and who knows that He won't send you a human embodiment of His love!  **abrazos**

Antietam

Today a dear friend of mine and I had a bit of a retreat if you will... we went to the Antietam battlefield, to a little bridge that is picturesque and amazing.  For me, this was supporting a friend, nothing more, nothing less.  I knew that we would have a great time together, and it would be good for me as well, but this was really all about her.  While we were sitting though, I started imagining the battle.  For those of you that know me, my imagination can go a little nuts sometimes!  But here i sit leaned up against a stonewall and I'm picturing the battle raging around me.  Then like a snap of the fingers, I saw what actually was going on around me.  This poem came to me after that happened.

Blood gushing, screams echoing
Water running, birds chirping
Bombs exploding, horses neighing
Crickets singing, cars purring


The difference, then and now
So stark, so contrasting
What must've been 
Replaced with what now is


Look around, all evidence gone
Grass so green, sky so blue
Not a trace of the devastation


But under the surface it still sits
Bloody tree roots, bullet casings
Life flourishes and covers


To an untrained eye all is calm
But to those that know
The battlefield awakens

Virginia Bluebell

Virginia Bluebell by Miranda Lambert


Carrying the weight on the end of a limb
You’re just waiting for somebody to pick you up again
Shaded by a tree, can’t live up to a rose
All you ever wanted was a sunny place to grow

Pretty little thing, sometimes you gotta look up
And let the world see all the beauty that you’re made of
‘Cause the way you hang your head nobody can tell
You’re my Virginia Bluebell
My Virginia Bluebell


Put a little light in the darkest places
Put a little smile on the saddest faces

This song has been speaking to me ever since I was in Colombia.  We as women all have things that weigh down on us.  And usually we feel that we are out on the edge of a limb and that everything we carry is going to crash down on us and we are going to fall hard.  Even the strongest of us feel that we want someone to bear some of the weight, or at least pick us up and carry us until things aren't so heavy. 

In our own minds, how many of us are really a rose?  How many of us really measure up to the "ideal" flower?  Instead we just want to be planted somewhere that we can shine and we can allow the sun to just soak into us.

The chorus strikes me hard because how many times a day do we as women tell each other how great we are, how pretty we are, what we have to offer the world, but instead of accepting those compliments, we blow them off. How easy is it to say to ourselves "she's just saying that because she loves me" or "if she only knew what's inside she wouldn't be saying that".  WAY TOO MANY TIMES!! I am the queen of this, ask anyone who knows me.  Every woman I know says that to themselves.  But sometimes, we just gotta look up.  I know that Miranda means this more as a confidence thing, being confident in yourself and others will see that, but I take it completely different.  We need to first of all see what God sees in us, so when we look up, we need to look up to God.  We need to hear His heart about who we are to Him!  Then and ONLY THEN can we allow the world to see the beauty that we are made of, because we will be receiving that beauty from our Abba Father, the creator and imaginator (don't know the word I am looking for so go with it!) of all things beautiful!  


So many times we hang our head.  Why? Because we forget that we are the DAUGHTERS of the KING OF KINGS!! I am working now on grasping in the deepest part of my soul that i am a woman of God!!!!  This is not an easy concept for me, and unless I miss my guess for a lot of you that may be reading this right now!  We need to grasp that and lift our heads up!! 


We as women of God have certain privileges, but more importantly we have responsibilities!  God has given us wondrous gifts that he wants us to use to touch people!  We have an amazing and wonderful opportunity to do what the "bridge" of this song says.  Put a little LIGHT in the darkest places, put a little smile on the saddest faces!  This comes from just being us, and allowing the true LIGHT OF THE WORLD to shine through us!!!  


My friends, women of God, lift up your head and let us all see what God has placed inside of you and the beauty that you are created to be!!  That is my prayer as I write this blog, and as I go through this week for all of you that may be reading it!  **abrazos(hugs)**

Surrender

Surrender... what does that mean and how do we do it? It's easy to say oh surrender means to give up, sure we know the definition of the word, but do we know what it MEANS? Before I go there, I'm going to include the dictionary definitions...

verb (used with object)

1. to yield (something) to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress:
2. to give (oneself) up, as to the police.
3. to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.:
4.to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.).
5.to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another.
verb (used without object)
6.to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.

Sometimes the things that we are called to surrender are just that things... When we get married, we are called to surrender some possessions to make room for our spouses possessions... when we decide we want something, like a new car, we have to surrender the old one to make that happen...

Sometimes the what we have to surrender is ourselves (ie definition number 2)

Sometimes we have to surrender our emotions... like we surrender our anger or our hurt and we replace it with joy... or sometimes we even surrender our joy replacing it with anger or hurt!

A friend of mine wonderfully stated that surrender is “giving in. Sometimes we need to give in to something to allow for something else that could be better to happen.”

So when we are asked to surrender to God what does that mean? It means that we need to give ourselves up... DUH... But who are we? Are we just a physical being, or even an emotional one? Are we just our soul? I would venture to say (in agreement with Barlow Girl) we are our dreams! Well, we are a combination of our past experiences and our future dreams/goals/hopes. 

In some ways it is easier to give our past experiences to God because they have already happened! (Not that it's EASY! just easier)   But our dreams, that is something completely different!  We have invested time and energy into our dreams.  But I think that's what God wants most! 

Now how do we surrender ourselves and our dreams to God?  That's different for every person and every situation, but I think that our surrender comes when we chose to continue to follow God and trust him even when the road doesn't flow exactly where we thought it would...  When we tell God through our actions, You are more important that what I want, or thought my life was going to be!!  It's that simple (I know not simple right?)

But trust me, I'm living this right now! If you know me, you know I have wanted to do missions since I was 8 years old!  I am now 26 and for the first time got the chance to come to Colombia in what I thought was going to be a self organized missions trip.  I was going to be here for 5 weeks, and 3-4 of those weeks I was going to be working in a orphanage!  But here I am 2 1/2 weeks in and have been at the orphanage 1 day!  And I found out today that I don't get to go back!  So now where does that leave me?  I don't know, and that's hard... But I have spent the last 2 hours praying and saying God I surrender that which I wanted to do, even though it was a good thing, to whever else you want me to do!   It's been hard, and I was upset and bummed, but I KNOW that God provided a way for me to be here and led me here.  I just have to rest in that knowledge!  And wait yet again for the fullfilment of my dreams!  (BTW I also know I will struggle with this on and off, it's not just simply solved)

Before I even found out for sure about that, I was listening to the Barlow Girl song "Surrender" that's actually what inspired me to write this blog.  so i'm going to end my blog with that...  Listen to the words, and know that when God does ask us to surrender our dreams/ourselves, He has something so much better planned! :)

(and in case the video doesn't work properly for you here, here is the site... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tG7lBZAULE8

Reoccuring Lessons

Wow... so it amazes me how that God can take lessons that you have learned in the past and bring them back around just when you need them!  As some people know, this trip to Colombia has been something that I have looked forward to... and once I got here it was going amazing! However, there were some things that weren't like I expected them to be... and I got really discouraged!  I won't rehash all the things that lead me to that place, but that's where I was!
Today I was talking to a few friends, one that just let me talk and "process", and for those that know me, you know I am a verbal processor!  My other friend shared her blog with me, and then I remembered this blog... I had forgotten that I even started it, so I shared it with her and then actually went and read it for myself.  And a couple of the things that I had written about applied yet again!  Am I going to let this situation in Colombia harden me and make me turn away from my passion? Or am I going to let it teach me!!! And teach me it has!!! Am I going to trust God to work in me and in those around me while I'm here? Or am I going to be frustrated and irritated because things aren't going how I thought they would go?  

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am here in Colombia for a reason and for a purpose, and I know that God has lead me here, and I know that i want to do this for the rest of my life!!! So why did I ever have a doubt that just because things fell apart that somehow this wasn't what I wanted???  God's bigger than all my challenges oh and He can handle them too!! 

So this is the first in my new series of blogs!  I can't promise what will come out of them, but I promise that God will be the center of them! :)  So I hope you enjoy this journey of lessons with me!